I'm Sorry Winter, But We're Through

Dear Winter,

We need to have a talk.

Yes. That talk.

I know you think things are swell. But you’ve been cold for months now. I feel you're treating me rather badly.

Yes, I know you were never a warm season.

And I know that when we started this—this—thing—this relationship—whatever this is—I know I said there were things I like about you.

But it turns out I don’t like those things as much as I thought I did.

No, you’re right. You have lots of good qualities. Snowflakes. Frosty patterns on the windowpanes. Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is lovely. Snowy evenings. Those are delightful too. Yes, especially with a fire. You’re right.

But—and here’s the thing—those snowy evenings always turn into sidewalks and front walks I have to shovel. There’s always a driveway covered in snow, and someone inevitably drives on it before the snow is cleared and then there are icy tire tracks to slip on until spring.

No, there are other good things about you. Yes, Thanksgiving is great. I enjoy cooking and drinking. Christmas is very nice too. And the lights over the holidays.

But (in truth) all the sweets give me a bit of a headache, I always gain weight, and the cleaning up is really a chore.

I know you don’t mind when I gain a little weight. That’s not the point.

New Years? Well, frankly, it’s overrated. If you stay home you always think you’re missing some great party and if you go to a party you never have all that much fun because everyone is trying so hard to have fun and you always wonder why you didn’t just stay home.

The New Years’ fireworks are nice, but they scare the dog.

Valentine’s Day? Don’t get me started.

Look, all those things about you are great. But they don’t really make up for the ice on the sidewalks, the lost and mismatched mittens, the woolly things that itch my skin, the outrageous heating bills, the frosted car windows that must be scraped, the colds and flu, the fourteen hours of dark. And I really hate it when it the oogie-googies in my nose freeze.

No, I do bundle up.

Yes, of course the northern hemisphere needs a rest. But must it last so long?

Spring will come in a few months? True, true. But then you’ll be back again and we'll fall into the same old routine.

So I think we’re going to have to break up.

No, there’s no other season.

Well, yes, I did just spend some time in Florida. Yes, I like Florida. Yes, the beach. Stop it now. I’ve only seen Florida the one time. It’s not like I plan to move there. At least not right now.

Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. It will only turn into ice.

I’m sorry, Winter. Really I am.

It’s not you. It’s me.