The Heathcare Debate Comes Home

Dear Oma,

On Tuesday Dr. Nea, Dr. Sabrina and cousin Dr. Daniel gave Mama a complete physical.

You’ll be sorry to hear that Mama is terminal.

Dr. Daniel suggested that a shot to the heart could be curative, but Mama declined. Surgery was suggested as an alternative, but Mama is squeamish. She's also ticklish, as it turns out.

Even though Mama is dying, we decided that she had to get lots of shots. She got a shot for chicken pox, flu, tet-tennis, and the plague. I didn’t even know Mama played tennis, but now she doesn't have to any more.

Tante says we inoculated her against everything but bankruptcy, the DT’s, and voting the straight Republican ticket.

Love,
Dr. Nea

W-A-T-E-R

Dear Oma and Tante,

Guess what? I can make two signs!

Mama taught me the sign for “more.” I do it when I’m sitting in my highchair. I take my hands and touch my fingers together in front of me. Mama says, “Yes! More!”

Then I smile and clamp my mouth shut.

Sometimes I make the sign for “more” just because it is fun and just because it is like clapping, but not because I really want more food. Mama says I’m like Helen Keller before the water pump. I like doing the signs but they don’t mean much to me.

Who’s Helen Keller? Is she nice?

When I first did the sign for “more,” Mama said to Daddy, “Look! Linnea has her first sign!” Daddy said, “Congratulations. Your baby can bang her hands together.”

Daddy is just jealous that he’s not bilingual like me.

Mama also taught me the sign for “no more.” You just kind of wave your hands around. I’m good at that one. But I don’t see why I need it. I just shut my mouth and turn my head instead.

I use that one a lot when Mama breaks out the beef and veggie pilaf. Yuck!

Love,
Little Nea

P.S. Yesterday I was chewing on Mama’s shirt. I must have chewed a little hard because Mama let out a yell that I haven’t heard since the last time Sister had her hair washed. Erik said, “Louisa!” Mama said, “Well, it hurt!”

I agree. Mama’s yell really hurt my ears.

She Blinded Me With Science

Dear Oma,

Mama says I am learning about something called “gravity.” Mama says that where F is the magnitude of the gravitational force between the two point masses, G is the gravitational constant, M1 is the mass of the first point mass, M2 is the mass of the second point mass, and R is the distance between the two point masses; then F= G times (M1)(M2) over R2.

I say that when I throw my cup, it hits the floor with a satisfying “BONK.”

Tante says that I’m also learning about human psychology, behavior, and interaction.

I say that when I throw my cup and it hits the floor with a satisfying “BONK,” Mama will bend over and pick it up.

Isn’t science fun?

Tomorrow can we do chemistry?

Love,
Noodle Strudel

Lullaby and Good Night

Dear Oma and Tante,

Big Sister Sabrina and I have both been sick. Sabrina has been running a fever and running things out of every other place, too. I have been running my nose and waking up sobbing. It's all very sad.

When Big Sister was sick in bed Mama snuggled with her. Sabrina said, "Mama, sing to me. Sing the baby song." Mama asked which song was the baby song.

"Lullaby," said Big Sister. So Mama sang our special lullaby song. It goes like this:

Lullaby, and good night
You're my baby Sabrina
Mama loves you Daddy loves you
Loves you more than words can say
It's time for your rest
We'll be here when you awake
It's time for your rest
Lovely dreams you will make.

"I love you, Sabrina," said Mama.

"Thank you Mama," said Sabrina.

Then Sabrina dosed off.

Love,
Nea Noodle Strudel

A Woman's Work is Never Done

Dear Oma and Tante,

Today we watched while Daddy did the dishes!

"Look girls," said Mama. "Daddy is doing man's work."

"It's woman's work!" said both Daddy and Sabrina at the same time.

Mama explained to Big Sister that really there was no "man's work" or "woman's work"-- that both men and women could do all kinds of work.

Sabrina paused while she thought about that one.

"Mama," she asked, "do you pick up the dogs' poop-a-loops?"

Mama cried foul, but Daddy said it was game, set, match.

Place the Lotion in the Basket

Dear Tante,

Today Mama had me lie down on the bed. She told me I had to wait a minute for a bottle. I started to cry, so Big Sister climbed up on the bed and patted my head.

"Don't worry, Nea," she said. "All Good Things To Those Who Wait!"

I don't know what that means, but Mama says that if Big Sister starts asking for fava beans and a nice chianti at dinner, Daddy is in BIG trouble.

Love,
Linnie Lou-Hoo from Kalamazoo

Little Em'ly

Dear Oma and Tante,

Big Sisser is a girl in love.

With her cousin.

Whose name is Emily.

Sister asks lots of questions about Emily. All day long it sounds like this:

“When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long with Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back?”

Mama has to answer every one of those questions every time or else Sabrina repeats it louder and louder and louder.

Mama says it’s nice when the cousins come because they she doesn’t have to do much parenting. Sabrina just disappears with Emily and reappears for snacks and bedtime.

Mama found Sister yesterday with Emily. Emily had picked Big Sister up and Sister’s arms were tight around Emily’s neck. Mama told Sister that before we go to Aunt Michelle and Uncle Greg’s, Sister had to sit on the potty.

“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.
“That’s fine,” said Mama, “but before we leave I want you to sit on the potty.”
“I want to go with Emily,” said Sister.
“You can go with Emily,” said Mama. “But first you have to sit on the potty.”
“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.
“Good,” said Mama. “Just make sure you sit on the potty.”
“I want to go with Emily,” said Sister.
“Fine,” said Mama. “Go with Emily. To the potty.”
“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.

Mama gave up.

Sister has been asking for a while, “Is Emily available to come to my birthday party?”

Mama said we could ask, but that we also had to invite our other cousins too. “Why?” asked Sister. Mama said it was because all the cousins love us and want to spend time with us. She said it would hurt the other cousins’ feelings if we didn’t invite them.

Sister had an easy answer.

“But Emily is the best one who I love the best.”

Mama paused.

Then she sighed.

“Whom you love the best,” said Mama. “Whom.”

By the Sucking of My Thumbs, Something Wicked This Way Comes

Dear Oma and Tante,

Something wicked this way came! Someone came and took away my real Mama!

You might know my real Mama. My real Mama wears jeans and shorts and t-shirts and spends the day with me. I wake up with her and fall asleep in her arms. She feeds me and takes me on walks and pushes me on swings at the park.

Now my real Mama is gone. Someone came and replaced her with a new Mama. I do not like this new Mama.

This new Mama has purple toenails and high heels and won’t let me chew on her shirt. This new Mama goes to bed before I do and wakes up with the sun instead of with me. This new Mama goes somewhere every day called “work.”

Daddy calls this Mama’s work “school.”

Big Sister Sabrina is not bothered by this new Mama. Big Sister says Mama’s purple toes look pretty and wants to know if Mama has balloons again at her work.

Did they take my real Mama away to work at a clown school?

This new Mama talks differently. Yesternight at dinner she said, “Time to say grace.” Sabrina said, “I want to say ‘Nea gookies’ instead.” New Mama's face said, “nope,” but her mouth said, “Go ahead.”

So grace sounded like this: “God is ‘Nea great gookies God is ‘Nea good gookies” and new Mama had to tell Sabrina to knock it off.

Next Sabrina asked if we could put our face in our cup of apple juice. New Mama said, “I’d like to see you try.”

Daddy said that Mama “has been back to work one day and has lost all her Mommy IQ.”

At bedtime Big Sister had a big poop-a-loop. While she was changing Sister’s diaper, new Mama asked Sister, “How old do you think you will be when you start putting your poop in the potty?”

Sister said, “Hmmmmm. I think maybe eight.”

New Mama said they don’t make diapers for eight-year-olds, and Sister should think again.

Sister said, “Oh. Then I think maybe six.”

I think maybe Daddy is right. My real Mama knows better than to ask the question.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou

You Only Smack The Ones You Love

Dear Tante and Oma,

Yesterday and today Mama hustled and bustled all about town getting pretty for her job.

Sometimes Sabrina tells Mama she’s pretty. Mama says that’s a nice thing to say. Sometimes Sabrina tells me I’m pretty, but sometimes she tells me I am not pretty. Mama says that is not a nice thing to say.

Mama asked Sabrina how she feels when people say that Linnea looks just like Sabrina. Sabrina said, “I don’t like it.” Mama asked why not. Sabrina said, “I don’t like to hear that she is pretty like I am.”

Mama said she could understand that, but I don’t. Why can’t we be four pretty girls? Mama, Sabrina, Linnea, and Daddy!

Anyway, Mama got her hair cut, her eyebrows waxed, and her toenails painted purple. I’m not sure why she needs purple toes for work. Daddy doesn’t know either.

Sister and I are both a little obsessed with Mama’s toes. I can’t get over the purple. I grab Mama’s toes every chance I get.

Sister loves the smell of the just-done toes. She keeps getting down on her hands and knees and smelling Mama’s toes. That little girl is weird.

Yesternight, Mama went in to give Big Sister some good night snuggles. Mama held Sister tight and said, “Give me the tightest hug you have.” Then Mama pointed to her check and said, “Give me a big smacker. Right there.”

So Sister hauled off and slapped Mama!

Mama said she must have neglected to explain that “smacker” means “kiss.”

I tried to give Mama a kiss while we were in California. I opened my mouth wide and pressed it against her cheek. Then I bit her! Mama says no more kisses from Nea Noodle.

I might give a little kiss to Sabrina if she tries any of that “smacker” stuff with me.

Love,
Nea Noodley-Noodle