The Omnivore’s Dilemma

Mama says I am a cute-a-tarian.

Whoo-hoo! I’m cute!

Oops. Mama says that’s not what she means.

She means that I won’t eat anything cute. Lambs and cows are out. They rate high on the cute scale. Chickens aren’t cute. They have little brains and bare bottoms. But I like the ones we pass on our walk. BRAWK! BRAWK! So I won’t eat them either.

Fish make those cute fish faces. Like this:


Who wants to eat something that looks like Mama?

Sometimes some meat accidentally gets in my mouth. Usually it’s because Mama accidentally-on-purpose puts it on the fork. But don’t worry. I’m pretty good at spitting.

Mama says that the only thing that stands between me and pure vegan-ness is my Daddy and my willingness to drink milk.

Mama likes to pretend she’s the bartender when she makes my milk. She tells me to belly up to the bar. Then she pretends she’s me and says, “Bartender, Milk!” She has to order for me because of my current vocabulary. There’s just not much you can do with “up,” “down,” “tickle,” “Mama,” and “tchoo-tchoo!”

OK, so milk and honey. I’ll eat honey on my toast and honey nut cheerios and honey bunny grahams. Oma has some bees in her yard. They made honey for us. They aren’t very cute, but their honey sure is good! They ought to have a word with their cousins, though, the wasps-that-stung-me. Come to think of it, maybe I should stop eating honey, too.

Oma says that it serves Mama right. Mama ate nothing but scrambled eggs for dinner from 1976 to 1984. That reminds me— I won’t eat eggs. Chicks come from those eggs, and what’s cuter than a chick?

What do you mean, chicks don’t come from those eggs? Are you just saying that?

No cheese either. That’s some seriously yucky stuff. Unless it’s on Mac-N.

Sabrina is an omnivore. That means she’ll eat everything Mama puts in front of her. I think she does it just to make me look bad.

Mama reported me to Daddy tonight. She said I accidentally ate something at dinner, so it turns out maybe I won’t starve to death after all. But Daddy says girl cannot live by cucumber alone.

Maybe not, but I’m trying!

Love,
Vegetarian Nea

Sleeping Beauty, You Hussy!

Poor Cinderella. Big Sister has tossed her aside like last day’s newspaper and picked up Sleeping Beauty instead. Mama says that happens sometimes. Young girls can be fickle with their love.

Not me. I only love Mama. That’s the way it will ever be.

Now everything with Sister is Sleeping Beauty. Sleeping Beauty books, crowns, shoes, dresses, pictures, crafts, songs, cups, plates, pretend. Even Sleeping Beauty The Video.

Except that Big Sister is too chicken to watch Sleeping Beauty The Video. She only made it to the part with the fairies before we had to turn it off.

Mama took us to the library and Big Sister cleaned them out of all their Sleeping Beauty books. Fairy Tales, Disney books, Waking Beauty, Sleeping Ugly—you name it, she got it. Now librarian Sheila knows Sabrina as “the princess girl.”

Mama got us Grimm’s Fairy Tales because "The Sleeping Beauty" is in it, and boy is that real story grim. Things go super poorly for that girl after she marries the prince. The prince’s mama doesn’t like Sleeping Beauty or Sleeping Beauty’s children. She decides to eat her own grandchildren for dinner. It’s a yucky story. Luckily, that bad grandma gets eaten by her own nest of snakes. Take that, mean grandmother!

Mama says Oma would never eat us. She might try to cook Daddy in a pot, but not us.

Today we went to Wal-Mart and Big Sister picked out a Sleeping Beauty outfit for Halloween. Mama says she can’t wear it until the first Halloween party, but she can look at it. So Sister hung it on the mantle. She wanders over 57 times a minute so she can look at it and touch it and make it dance. It’s creepy. It’s like the headless horse-dress is dancing in the living room.

Big Sister asks questions about Sleeping Beauty all the time. She especially asks why the mean fairy wanted Sleeping Beauty to die. Mama says the mean fairy was put out because she wasn’t invited to the party. Plus, she might have been having a really bad day. But Mama says a bad day doesn’t excuse cursing someone and wanting her to die.

Sister pretends to be Sleeping Beauty. She pricks her finger on a pretend spindle and Daddy wakes her with a kiss. Mama says it’s better than all the pretend dress-tearing that was going on during the Cinderella phase.

Mama’s not too pleased with this princess stuff in general. Mama says instead of going to the ball and getting a prince and a crown, all those princesses ought to go to graduate school and get a job and a 401K.

What’s a 401K?

Mama says the worst offender is The Little Mermaid. That Ariel has to make Prince Eric fall in love with her, and Ariel can’t talk or use her big talent, her voice. Mama says any prince who would fall in love with you on looks alone isn’t the kind of fellow you want. Mama says in the real story the mean witch-y octopus Ursula sends in a ringer and Prince Eric falls in love with the pretender instead and Ariel loses everything to Ursula. Mama says it serves her right, even if the prince’s name is Eric. Like Daddy! Except we’re pretty sure Daddy didn’t fall for Mama on looks alone. We’ve seen her in the morning.

Sister says that a mean Octopus should be a boy, not a girl. She has a good point.

Big Sister Sabrina is a little confused about what makes a princess. Mama says a princess is the daughter of a king and queen or the wife of a prince. Mama says you can be a princess by birth, by marriage, or by attitude.

“Mama?” asked Sabrina. “Did you become a princess when you married Daddy?”

“No,” said Mama. “But maybe you shouldn’t ask Daddy that question.”

Love,
Little Nea

P.S. Sabrina keeps asking when Nea is going to die and go to heaven. I really hope Sabrina gets invited to all the parties and doesn’t have any bad days, or I could be in trouble.

Overheard

Erik: I think we’re going to have to give Linnea the same speech Aunt Suzie gave John.
Louisa: What’s that?
Erik: Aunt Suzie took John aside when he was a teenager and told him, “Your brothers will always have lots of dates, because they are good-looking. But don’t get discouraged. Eventually the girls will become interested in brains and personality.” We may have to use that same speech to explain why Sabrina has so many dates and Linnea’s dance card is empty.
Louisa: Linnea is only one-year-old. What will we say? “Sabrina has so many dates because she’s pretty. But someday the boys will become attracted to screaming and throwing your milk cup”?

Scene: Louisa and Sabrina are discussing the Disney Princess Sing-A-Long video.
Louisa: What is your favorite song?
Sabrina: Sleeping Beauty.
(Note: Sabrina has spent the last year being afraid of Sleeping Beauty, and only recently graduated to a willingness to be in the same room while Sleeping Beauty sings).
Louisa: I’m surprised. You normally don’t even want to be in the room when it’s on. Why is it your favorite?
Sabrina: Because I’m getting better at watching it.

Scene: Bathtub. Sabrina is repeatedly pouring water into an old Tupperware container and stirring it around.
Sabrina: “I’m putting milk in the cup. I’m making cow soup!”

Sabrina: “Why does the wind lift the balloons?”
Mama: “The wind lifts everything that’s light.”
(pause)
Sabrina: “Does it lift everything that’s dark too?”

Sabrina: “Mama, did you have a baby?”
Mama: “Yes, honey, I had you and I had Linnea.”
Sabrina: “Did I come out of your tummy?”
Mama: “Yes.”
(Sabrina starts looking for Mama’s C-Section scar)
Sabrina: “Do you have a scarf?”

Scene: Living room floor. Mama and the girls are playing. Mama stands up.
Mama: “I have to go potty.”
Sabrina: “Good job Mama!!”

Scene: Grabbing Linnea as she tries to dive off the bed.
Erik: Linnea is in the stage where she tries to commit suicide twice an hour, every hour.

Scene: Ingrid, Nat and Daniel have arrived for a visit. Daniel and Sabrina have disappeared. Erik goes to investigate and returns to report.
Erik: Daniel is upstairs reading the luggage tag to Sabrina. She’s strangely interested.

Scene: Having lunch with the Blairs and discussing discipline.
David Blair: What sort of consequences do you use with Sabrina?
Louisa: Mostly Time Out. Going to your room is the nuclear option.
Erik: Since I’m home with the girls, we’re working on a new nuclear option. I’m building a woodshed in the backyard.

Scene: Sabrina “writes” a letter, seals it in an envelope, and gives it to me.
Sabrina: Mama, give this letter to the poker carrier so Linnea won’t get poked with anything!

Erik: Linnea’s head is shaped like an upside-down triangle.
Louisa: It’s heart-shaped.
Erik: A heart-shaped head? Where did you get that?
Louisa: No, a heart-shaped face. Haven’t you heard of that? Everyone’s face is either round, oval, square, or heart-shaped. Mine is oval. Linnea’s is heart-shaped.
Erik: What shape is mine?
Louisa: Oval. (Pause. Snort.) With a pinhead on top.
Erik: Fine. Linnea has a heart-shaped face. (Pause). With a frying pan on top.