The Omnivore’s Dilemma

Mama says I am a cute-a-tarian.

Whoo-hoo! I’m cute!

Oops. Mama says that’s not what she means.

She means that I won’t eat anything cute. Lambs and cows are out. They rate high on the cute scale. Chickens aren’t cute. They have little brains and bare bottoms. But I like the ones we pass on our walk. BRAWK! BRAWK! So I won’t eat them either.

Fish make those cute fish faces. Like this:


Who wants to eat something that looks like Mama?

Sometimes some meat accidentally gets in my mouth. Usually it’s because Mama accidentally-on-purpose puts it on the fork. But don’t worry. I’m pretty good at spitting.

Mama says that the only thing that stands between me and pure vegan-ness is my Daddy and my willingness to drink milk.

Mama likes to pretend she’s the bartender when she makes my milk. She tells me to belly up to the bar. Then she pretends she’s me and says, “Bartender, Milk!” She has to order for me because of my current vocabulary. There’s just not much you can do with “up,” “down,” “tickle,” “Mama,” and “tchoo-tchoo!”

OK, so milk and honey. I’ll eat honey on my toast and honey nut cheerios and honey bunny grahams. Oma has some bees in her yard. They made honey for us. They aren’t very cute, but their honey sure is good! They ought to have a word with their cousins, though, the wasps-that-stung-me. Come to think of it, maybe I should stop eating honey, too.

Oma says that it serves Mama right. Mama ate nothing but scrambled eggs for dinner from 1976 to 1984. That reminds me— I won’t eat eggs. Chicks come from those eggs, and what’s cuter than a chick?

What do you mean, chicks don’t come from those eggs? Are you just saying that?

No cheese either. That’s some seriously yucky stuff. Unless it’s on Mac-N.

Sabrina is an omnivore. That means she’ll eat everything Mama puts in front of her. I think she does it just to make me look bad.

Mama reported me to Daddy tonight. She said I accidentally ate something at dinner, so it turns out maybe I won’t starve to death after all. But Daddy says girl cannot live by cucumber alone.

Maybe not, but I’m trying!

Love,
Vegetarian Nea