Guantanamo Bay, Here We Come

Dear Mr. Cheney,

I write to inform you of the newest and greatest method of interrogating Al-Qaeda suspects. Here's how it works:

1. Take one Linnea, one Sabrina, and one suspected terrorist. Put them in a room together.

2. Announce that it is quiet time for Sabrina and naptime for Linnea.

3. Send Sabrina upstairs for quiet time. Make sure she's tired and pissed-off at the world.

Hint: for full-effect, best to turn off Disney’s Princess Sing-A-Long DVD just prior to quiet time, but before the ladies of Mulan II have completed their world-famous performance of “I Want To Be Like Other Girls.”

4. Place Linnea in suspected terrorist's lap downstairs. Tell terrorist to rock baby Linnea to sleep.

5. Linnea will wiggle and repeatedly kick terrorist, drastically reducing his chances of ever having children.

Note: the weakest suspects will cave right here. Democrats and vegetarians, for instance.

6. A few minutes after Linnea falls asleep, and approximately 12 minutes into the 60-minute quiet time, Sabrina will yell from upstairs, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

7. Terrorist -- recognizing the folly of allowing Linnea to wake and repeat testicle-racking machinations, will try to say "NO!" loud enough for Sabrina to hear yet not so loud as to wake Linnea.

8. Approximately 12.3 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will shout, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

9. See #7.

10. Approximately 12.6 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will shriek, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

Note: suspects with fair-to-middling strength often cave at this point. Examples include libertarians, people who voted for Ross Perot, and woman who are convinced that Crocs are attractive footwear.

11. Approximately 13 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will commence la pièce de résistance.

She will begin to scream. She will scream for approximately 30 minutes. This will feel like 3,587 minutes to the terrorist.

12. Six seconds into Sabrina's performance, Linnea will wake up and begin to wail. And kick.

13. Terrorist will hand over keys to the helicopter and a map to Osama bin Laden's lair.

See how easy? No water-boarding necessary.

Love,
Mama