Ding Dong! Avon Calling!

Dear Oma and Tante,

Our doorbell rings a lot.

Mama doesn’t like it much. First, she just doesn’t like talking to people that much.

Oh, wait, no—that’s Daddy.

Second, when the doorbell rings the dogs go tearing to the door barking up a storm, Boo the Cat saunters over looking for an escape, I toddle there as fast as I can to see if I can stick my finger into the door hinge, and Sabrina runs over in all her naked glory shouting, “I WANT TO SEE! CAN I SEE?!”

Mama says the whole bunch of us look like Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld showing up at the door.

After Mama has ordered the dogs to the backyard, grabbed Boo, and shooed Sabrina and me away from the door, she opens it to find out who it is.

Sometimes it is someone nice, like a play date or kids on a scavenger hunt or carol-singers out wassailing or a neighbor with cookies or jam or bread or an invitation.

But lots of times it is No One We Know.

No One We Know is very nice. No One We Know would like to sell us steaks, bring milk to our door, paint our house numbers on our curb, check our windshields for cracks and fix them for free, aerate our lawn, mow our grass, kill our bugs, soften our water, check our furnace, and save our souls.

At least I think that’s what the Mormon missionaries and the Jehovah's Witnesses want. They never really say.

After Mama says, “Thank you, but no thank you” about ten times, she closes the door.

Then she says, “Only in Utah.” As in, “Only in Utah would two guys think I’m going to let them into my house when I’m home alone with two small children so that they can ‘check my furnace.’”

Apparently Only in Utah No One We Know is usually raising money for college or a mission. I guess they all want to go somewhere else and ring other people’s doorbells.

Last week No One We Know rang the doorbell during naptime. The dogs started barking like crazy, Boo slinked in looking for an escape, I sat bolt upright and started to cry, and Sabrina popped out of her room like a jack-in-the-box and shouted, “WHO IS IT?”

Mama answered the door with me on one hip, one hand on Katie’s collar, and a foot poised to stop Boo.

No One We Know said, “Hello. I’m wondering how your water softener is doing?”

Mama said, “It’s doing fine, but I’ll let it know that you inquired after its health.”

OK, not really. But she should have said that.

Instead she said, “We don’t have a water softener.” Then she said, “Thank you, but no thank you” about ten times.

The next day, Mama put a sign on the door that says:

Please Respect Our Privacy
NO SOLICITING

When Daddy got home, he said, “Why is there a ‘No Soliciting’ sign on the door?” Mama said, “Because I’m sick of people trying to sell me things during naptime.”

Well, Mama’s sign has pretty much worked. No One We Know doesn’t ring the bell at naptime anymore.

Instead he rings the bell at bedtime.

Last night Sabrina and I were in our pajamas. We had finished our bath and brushed our teeth. I was upstairs fussing and making the sign for “milk!” over and over again. Daddy was downstairs trying to get me milk and Mama was upstairs explaining to Sabrina why we couldn’t read “The Little Snowman” one more time when the bell rang.

Daddy grabbed Katie by the collar and kept a lookout for Boo while Mama shushed me and grabbed Sabrina before she could run downstairs shouting, “WHO IS IT?”

It was No One We Know. Two very nice Mormons wanted to charge Daddy $30 to hang an American flag on our porch on national holidays. They supply the flag.

After Daddy said, “Thank you, but no thank you” about ten times he closed the door.

“And that,” shouted Mama from upstairs, “is why we have a NO SOLICITING sign!”