Ready? On Three . . .

Dear Oma and Tante,

Everything around here is THREE. THREE is a very good number. It comes after TWO. I can say “two,” because it is the same word as “choo-choo” and “shoe.”

See? English is easy.

Here are some good things that start with THREE:

Bedtime kisses start with THREE. There are regular kisses, Eskimo kisses, and butterfly kisses.

I’m still working on regular kisses, but Sabrina is pretty good at all three kinds. After she gives Mama butterfly kisses she says, "Was that a good one?" Mama says yes. Then Sabrina asks, “Was that a really good one?” I think she’s fishing for a compliment.

Fun starts with THREE. When Mama says “one . . . Two . . . THREE!” something good happens. I get swung around or tickled or peek-a-booed or picked up or something else good.

If I’m in the bathroom and I hear “one, Two, THREE!” I know I’m about to get plunked in the bathtub.

When we go to gym class everything starts with THREE. When I hear THREE I know I’m about to flip or be upside-down or some sort of silliness. I’ve learned it’s best to listen for my name and the number THREE. Then I can dodge most of the upside-down-ness.

Bad things also start with THREE. When Mama counts “ONE. TWO.” your bottom better be moving before she gets to THREE or else your bottom will move straight to time out.

Mama used to say it slow, but she said she was sick of all the numbers between two and three, like two-and-one-quarter, two-and-one-half, two-and-three-quarters, two-and-five-eighths, and two-little-girls-who-still-didn’t-do-what-they-were-supposed-to-do. Now she is a woman of THREE. That’s bad.

(Daddy would like to note here that two-and-five-eighths comes before two-and-three-quarters. Mama says she knows that but it sounds better this way.)

THREE is the number of molars poking me in the gums right now. That’s bad.

Bedtime starts with THREE. That’s pretty bad too. Except for the good parts.
First is:
1. bath time;
2. pajama time; and
3. teeth brushing time.

That last one is bad.

After the bad teeth brushing, then there are THREE books. That’s a good part. Mama reads us a book, then Sabrina reads a book to Mama, and then Sabrina reads another book to Mama.

Sabrina gets to read two books because they give her two books every Monday at school. She has to practice reading those books every night so that she can read the books to her teacher the next Monday. If she does a good job with Monday reading then she gets two more books.

I guess Mama is not so good a reader as Sister is, because Mama only gets one book a night. Maybe if she worked harder she could get two books every week too.

Sister learns her books pretty fast and after about Wednesday gets a little bored and starts flipping and flopping around while she’s supposed to be doing her out-loud reading. Mama has to say at least THREE times that she’s-getting-tired-of-this-nonsense and that Sabrina must stop-messing-around-and sit-properly-and-read-the-book. So that’s another THREE.

After books we say prayers. We all fold our hands. I clap my hands together and Daddy calls me “pious pretty!”

We say a prayer that Mama gave to us because her Nana taught it to her. She says that’s THREE generations.

After books there’s quiet reading. Then Mama goes back and Sabrina has to put her books away and sit on the potty and then give good night snuggles. So that’s THREE.

As part of good night snuggles Sabrina is allowed to ask THREE questions. She always asks:
1. Mama, why did Sleeping Beauty sleep?
2. Mama, why did Snow White run through the forest?
3. Mama, why did Ariel get to go out of the water?

When Daddy is doing the THREE questions, he asks THREE silly questions. First Daddy asks, “Sabrina, why are you my Daddy?” Sabrina shouts, “NO! Daddy, why are you a lamb?” Then Daddy says, “Sabrina, why am I so pretty?”

And then it gets ridiculous in many many many many ways. So that’s THREE.

Last night Sabrina got in trouble in THREE ways:
1. Instead of putting her quiet reading book away, she played tug-of-war with Mama. Neither Mama nor the book was very happy;
2. She had to be marched to the potty instead of walking nicely by herself; and
3. She had a little tantrum and wouldn’t get back into bed.

So Mama counted to THREE and Sabrina lost a privilege. She lost THREE questions. She was very sad and asked to earn her THREE questions back. Mama said she should start by apologizing.

“I’m sorry,” said Sabrina.

“Do you know what you’re sorry for?” asked Mama.

“What?”

“Well,” answered Mama. “For not putting your book away, not going nicely to the potty, and not getting back into bed without a tantrum.”

“Oh,” said Sabrina.

“Try again,” said Mama.

“I’m sorry,” said Sabrina.

“For what?” asked Mama.

“For not getting my privilege back.”

Gobble Gobble

Thanksgiving Math (by Mama):

Pounds of turkey cooked: 14
Pounds of turkey actually needed: .5

Number of pies cooked: 1
Number of pies actually needed: 7

Number of regular burns inflicted: 1
Number of blistering burns inflicted: 1

Number of bites of Thanksgiving dinner eaten by Linnea: 1
Number of bites of Thanksgiving dinner spit out by Linnea before Mama quit trying: 7
Actual nutrition provided to Linnea by: 1 banana

Number of dishes Sabrina was willing to consume: 1 (cranberry jelly)
Number of tears wept by Sabrina when told she had to have a bite of everything on her plate before eating pie: 47,000
Actual nutrition provided to Sabrina by: 1 banana

Number of beers consumed by Daddy: 3
Number of football games watched by Daddy: 2
Number of children who realized for the first time that the turkey was really a turkey: 1

Have You Ever Heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons.

Dear Oma and Tante,

I am surrounded by morons. I think it comes from upbringing.

On Saturday, Mama shut my finger in the door. She opened the pantry door, and there was this interesting little crack by some neat little hinges that I just had to explore.. Then Mama closed the door. When it didn’t close the first time, she closed it harder. That resistance? It was Mr. Pointer.

You would think that I would scream and cry and bleed and sob and leave tears and snot and blood on Mama’s shirt.

You would be wrong.

I just said, “GIMME THE RONNIE LOTT!” and went back to playing.

OK, maybe I cried just a little while I said it.

On Sunday, we went to church. God must have turned his back for a minute, and so did Mama. Miss Mirjam put me on a picnic bench made for little girls. It wasn’t made for this little girl, though. I went bottom-over-teakettle and landed on my back. You would think that I would cry and sob and have a knot on my head.

You would be right.

On Monday, I learned how to say, “Hi!” This is a good thing, right? Well after I did it, Mama and Sabrina kept popping their heads around the corner and saying, “Hi!” “Hi!” “Hi!” “Can you say Hi?” “Can you say Hi?” “Can you say Hi?” like a bunch of hysterical hyenas. Why would I say “hi” again? I just said “hi.” I'm not an idiot.

After that, I took a bath with sister. Now, I know I’m not supposed to stand up in the bath, but did big sister really need to pull my legs out from under me to “help” me sit down? And why was she crying afterward? I’m the one with the bruise where my forehead hit the tub.

Finally, the light fixture. Oh, the light fixture.

I might have told you—Mama is on a home improvement tear. Mama has been painting and replacing doorknobs and putting in new lights and fans and generally improving the beejesus out of this house.

Daddy keeps saying, “what’s wrong with white?” but Mama goes to Lowe’s and comes back and says, “Watch the children.” Then the whole room is all a mess and paint and drills and dust until she is done.

The other day Mama said, “How long does it take for this house to get so messy?” “About as long as it takes you to go to Lowe’s,” said Daddy.

Well, this week Mama has been putting in new kitchen lights. First, she put in one light. And it worked. Then she put in two more lights that go together. And they sometimes worked. But sometimes not. Then, Mama tried for a hat trick. This time, it was the light in the breakfast nook.

First, Mama “turned off” the breaker marked "breakfast nook," and then tried to wire the light. Maybe Mama can't read, judging from the puff of soot, the popping noise, the sparks, and the darkness.

So Mama worked backward. She got the non-working lights working, the circuit breaker back to normal, and the soot off her hands. Then she double-checked the breaker box and “turned off” the breakfast nook breaker again. And she tried to wire the light again.

This time she got fried like a thanksgiving turkey.

Daddy said, “would you PLEASE call an electrician before you electrocute yourself?”

All those sparks must have convinced Mama to stop touching things and open the checkbook because she called a very nice man named “David’s Electric” to come and undo whatever bad things she did and to fix the stuff she had already done and to mark the breaker box with the right words.

When Mr. David Electric came in he asked Mama, “So, where did you get your electrical license?” She said, “law school.” They both laughed and were thick as thieves after that.

After Mr. David Electric put everything to right, Mama said she didn’t need him to do the light, thankyouverymuch, she could do it herself.

After that, she turned off the power to the whole house just for good measure and sister and I couldn’t watch a show or anything. That’s OK, though, ‘cause Mama was her own show. There was sweat and struggle and maybe I’m not allowed to say all the words she said.

I don’t think “Hi” was one of them.

After a really long time and some weird positions and lots of tools and some bad words the whole big thing was up and wired and Mama flipped the switch and said, “Ta-DA!”

But nothing happened.

Mama cried and took to her bed with a glass of wine. Then she called that nice electrician and told him to come back.

Today Mr. Electric came back with his coveralls and gloves and drills and ladder and got up high to see what Mama did wrong. We watched and waited to see what evil thing had stymied Mama. Mr. Electric was very nice when he told her what went wrong.

The light bulbs were burned out.

Mama laughed and asked him to wire the new fan while he was at it and laughed and wrote a check.

Mama says next up is a new kitchen sink and kitchen faucet.

Mr. Electric gave Mama the name of a good plumber.

Just in case.

Love,
Little Linnea Lou-Hoo

The Omnivore’s Dilemma

Mama says I am a cute-a-tarian.

Whoo-hoo! I’m cute!

Oops. Mama says that’s not what she means.

She means that I won’t eat anything cute. Lambs and cows are out. They rate high on the cute scale. Chickens aren’t cute. They have little brains and bare bottoms. But I like the ones we pass on our walk. BRAWK! BRAWK! So I won’t eat them either.

Fish make those cute fish faces. Like this:


Who wants to eat something that looks like Mama?

Sometimes some meat accidentally gets in my mouth. Usually it’s because Mama accidentally-on-purpose puts it on the fork. But don’t worry. I’m pretty good at spitting.

Mama says that the only thing that stands between me and pure vegan-ness is my Daddy and my willingness to drink milk.

Mama likes to pretend she’s the bartender when she makes my milk. She tells me to belly up to the bar. Then she pretends she’s me and says, “Bartender, Milk!” She has to order for me because of my current vocabulary. There’s just not much you can do with “up,” “down,” “tickle,” “Mama,” and “tchoo-tchoo!”

OK, so milk and honey. I’ll eat honey on my toast and honey nut cheerios and honey bunny grahams. Oma has some bees in her yard. They made honey for us. They aren’t very cute, but their honey sure is good! They ought to have a word with their cousins, though, the wasps-that-stung-me. Come to think of it, maybe I should stop eating honey, too.

Oma says that it serves Mama right. Mama ate nothing but scrambled eggs for dinner from 1976 to 1984. That reminds me— I won’t eat eggs. Chicks come from those eggs, and what’s cuter than a chick?

What do you mean, chicks don’t come from those eggs? Are you just saying that?

No cheese either. That’s some seriously yucky stuff. Unless it’s on Mac-N.

Sabrina is an omnivore. That means she’ll eat everything Mama puts in front of her. I think she does it just to make me look bad.

Mama reported me to Daddy tonight. She said I accidentally ate something at dinner, so it turns out maybe I won’t starve to death after all. But Daddy says girl cannot live by cucumber alone.

Maybe not, but I’m trying!

Love,
Vegetarian Nea

Sleeping Beauty, You Hussy!

Poor Cinderella. Big Sister has tossed her aside like last day’s newspaper and picked up Sleeping Beauty instead. Mama says that happens sometimes. Young girls can be fickle with their love.

Not me. I only love Mama. That’s the way it will ever be.

Now everything with Sister is Sleeping Beauty. Sleeping Beauty books, crowns, shoes, dresses, pictures, crafts, songs, cups, plates, pretend. Even Sleeping Beauty The Video.

Except that Big Sister is too chicken to watch Sleeping Beauty The Video. She only made it to the part with the fairies before we had to turn it off.

Mama took us to the library and Big Sister cleaned them out of all their Sleeping Beauty books. Fairy Tales, Disney books, Waking Beauty, Sleeping Ugly—you name it, she got it. Now librarian Sheila knows Sabrina as “the princess girl.”

Mama got us Grimm’s Fairy Tales because "The Sleeping Beauty" is in it, and boy is that real story grim. Things go super poorly for that girl after she marries the prince. The prince’s mama doesn’t like Sleeping Beauty or Sleeping Beauty’s children. She decides to eat her own grandchildren for dinner. It’s a yucky story. Luckily, that bad grandma gets eaten by her own nest of snakes. Take that, mean grandmother!

Mama says Oma would never eat us. She might try to cook Daddy in a pot, but not us.

Today we went to Wal-Mart and Big Sister picked out a Sleeping Beauty outfit for Halloween. Mama says she can’t wear it until the first Halloween party, but she can look at it. So Sister hung it on the mantle. She wanders over 57 times a minute so she can look at it and touch it and make it dance. It’s creepy. It’s like the headless horse-dress is dancing in the living room.

Big Sister asks questions about Sleeping Beauty all the time. She especially asks why the mean fairy wanted Sleeping Beauty to die. Mama says the mean fairy was put out because she wasn’t invited to the party. Plus, she might have been having a really bad day. But Mama says a bad day doesn’t excuse cursing someone and wanting her to die.

Sister pretends to be Sleeping Beauty. She pricks her finger on a pretend spindle and Daddy wakes her with a kiss. Mama says it’s better than all the pretend dress-tearing that was going on during the Cinderella phase.

Mama’s not too pleased with this princess stuff in general. Mama says instead of going to the ball and getting a prince and a crown, all those princesses ought to go to graduate school and get a job and a 401K.

What’s a 401K?

Mama says the worst offender is The Little Mermaid. That Ariel has to make Prince Eric fall in love with her, and Ariel can’t talk or use her big talent, her voice. Mama says any prince who would fall in love with you on looks alone isn’t the kind of fellow you want. Mama says in the real story the mean witch-y octopus Ursula sends in a ringer and Prince Eric falls in love with the pretender instead and Ariel loses everything to Ursula. Mama says it serves her right, even if the prince’s name is Eric. Like Daddy! Except we’re pretty sure Daddy didn’t fall for Mama on looks alone. We’ve seen her in the morning.

Sister says that a mean Octopus should be a boy, not a girl. She has a good point.

Big Sister Sabrina is a little confused about what makes a princess. Mama says a princess is the daughter of a king and queen or the wife of a prince. Mama says you can be a princess by birth, by marriage, or by attitude.

“Mama?” asked Sabrina. “Did you become a princess when you married Daddy?”

“No,” said Mama. “But maybe you shouldn’t ask Daddy that question.”

Love,
Little Nea

P.S. Sabrina keeps asking when Nea is going to die and go to heaven. I really hope Sabrina gets invited to all the parties and doesn’t have any bad days, or I could be in trouble.

Overheard

Erik: I think we’re going to have to give Linnea the same speech Aunt Suzie gave John.
Louisa: What’s that?
Erik: Aunt Suzie took John aside when he was a teenager and told him, “Your brothers will always have lots of dates, because they are good-looking. But don’t get discouraged. Eventually the girls will become interested in brains and personality.” We may have to use that same speech to explain why Sabrina has so many dates and Linnea’s dance card is empty.
Louisa: Linnea is only one-year-old. What will we say? “Sabrina has so many dates because she’s pretty. But someday the boys will become attracted to screaming and throwing your milk cup”?

Scene: Louisa and Sabrina are discussing the Disney Princess Sing-A-Long video.
Louisa: What is your favorite song?
Sabrina: Sleeping Beauty.
(Note: Sabrina has spent the last year being afraid of Sleeping Beauty, and only recently graduated to a willingness to be in the same room while Sleeping Beauty sings).
Louisa: I’m surprised. You normally don’t even want to be in the room when it’s on. Why is it your favorite?
Sabrina: Because I’m getting better at watching it.

Scene: Bathtub. Sabrina is repeatedly pouring water into an old Tupperware container and stirring it around.
Sabrina: “I’m putting milk in the cup. I’m making cow soup!”

Sabrina: “Why does the wind lift the balloons?”
Mama: “The wind lifts everything that’s light.”
(pause)
Sabrina: “Does it lift everything that’s dark too?”

Sabrina: “Mama, did you have a baby?”
Mama: “Yes, honey, I had you and I had Linnea.”
Sabrina: “Did I come out of your tummy?”
Mama: “Yes.”
(Sabrina starts looking for Mama’s C-Section scar)
Sabrina: “Do you have a scarf?”

Scene: Living room floor. Mama and the girls are playing. Mama stands up.
Mama: “I have to go potty.”
Sabrina: “Good job Mama!!”

Scene: Grabbing Linnea as she tries to dive off the bed.
Erik: Linnea is in the stage where she tries to commit suicide twice an hour, every hour.

Scene: Ingrid, Nat and Daniel have arrived for a visit. Daniel and Sabrina have disappeared. Erik goes to investigate and returns to report.
Erik: Daniel is upstairs reading the luggage tag to Sabrina. She’s strangely interested.

Scene: Having lunch with the Blairs and discussing discipline.
David Blair: What sort of consequences do you use with Sabrina?
Louisa: Mostly Time Out. Going to your room is the nuclear option.
Erik: Since I’m home with the girls, we’re working on a new nuclear option. I’m building a woodshed in the backyard.

Scene: Sabrina “writes” a letter, seals it in an envelope, and gives it to me.
Sabrina: Mama, give this letter to the poker carrier so Linnea won’t get poked with anything!

Erik: Linnea’s head is shaped like an upside-down triangle.
Louisa: It’s heart-shaped.
Erik: A heart-shaped head? Where did you get that?
Louisa: No, a heart-shaped face. Haven’t you heard of that? Everyone’s face is either round, oval, square, or heart-shaped. Mine is oval. Linnea’s is heart-shaped.
Erik: What shape is mine?
Louisa: Oval. (Pause. Snort.) With a pinhead on top.
Erik: Fine. Linnea has a heart-shaped face. (Pause). With a frying pan on top.

Real Genius

Dear Oma and Tante,

I don’t mean to brag, but I may be a genius.

Seriously. A real genius.

This poster should say, "Linnea Heiny: Real Genius."

Consider the things I have done in the last THREE days.

1. When Mama heard the train and said, “There’s Thomas! Whoo-whoo!” I wiggled and moved my hands in circles like train wheels and said, “tchoo-tchoo?!” Brilliant, right?

2. I can cry and say, “Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma.” Mama says I could be saying “Mama” or I could just be informing everyone that I’m mad. Isn’t it the same thing? This means I am a verbal genius, and will likely ace my SAT's.

3. Now when I make the sign for “ALL DONE,” I mean it! This means I am now fully bilingual.

4. When Sabrina climbs into Mama’s lap, I scream. Loud. It’s MY Mama, and I don’t intend to let that Big Sister take my Mama by adverse possession. This means I am now able to practice law.

5. I have a “Mr. Pointer.” Mr. Pointer is a magical thing. Does everyone have a Mr. Pointer? I think not, or the world would be a very happy place.

Mr. Pointer is good for getting things. I point to what I want and I grunt. If Mama doesn’t get it in one, I point again and shriek. Then Mama delivers what I want! This means I now have a magic wand.

I can also use Mr. Pointer to point out criminals and other mean people. For example, at gymnastics class I use it to point to my teacher, Miss Katelynn. Miss Katelynn is the rat who makes me do somersaults and hang from the bars and other kinds of abuse.

Last Saturday when Miss Katelynn came over to me, I hooked one arm around Mama’s neck, and used the other hand to point to Miss Katelynn. Then I gave Miss Katelynn a dirty look. Really dirty.

In my head I was saying, “J’accuse!” Mama must not have heard me, because she didn’t have Miss Katelynn arrested. I’ll try again next week.

Anyway, this means I am now a crime fighter.

At this rate, I may win the Nobel Prize before I turn four.

Love,
Little Nea

Guantanamo Bay, Here We Come

Dear Mr. Cheney,

I write to inform you of the newest and greatest method of interrogating Al-Qaeda suspects. Here's how it works:

1. Take one Linnea, one Sabrina, and one suspected terrorist. Put them in a room together.

2. Announce that it is quiet time for Sabrina and naptime for Linnea.

3. Send Sabrina upstairs for quiet time. Make sure she's tired and pissed-off at the world.

Hint: for full-effect, best to turn off Disney’s Princess Sing-A-Long DVD just prior to quiet time, but before the ladies of Mulan II have completed their world-famous performance of “I Want To Be Like Other Girls.”

4. Place Linnea in suspected terrorist's lap downstairs. Tell terrorist to rock baby Linnea to sleep.

5. Linnea will wiggle and repeatedly kick terrorist, drastically reducing his chances of ever having children.

Note: the weakest suspects will cave right here. Democrats and vegetarians, for instance.

6. A few minutes after Linnea falls asleep, and approximately 12 minutes into the 60-minute quiet time, Sabrina will yell from upstairs, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

7. Terrorist -- recognizing the folly of allowing Linnea to wake and repeat testicle-racking machinations, will try to say "NO!" loud enough for Sabrina to hear yet not so loud as to wake Linnea.

8. Approximately 12.3 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will shout, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

9. See #7.

10. Approximately 12.6 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will shriek, "IS QUIET TIME OVER?"

Note: suspects with fair-to-middling strength often cave at this point. Examples include libertarians, people who voted for Ross Perot, and woman who are convinced that Crocs are attractive footwear.

11. Approximately 13 minutes into quiet time, Sabrina will commence la pièce de résistance.

She will begin to scream. She will scream for approximately 30 minutes. This will feel like 3,587 minutes to the terrorist.

12. Six seconds into Sabrina's performance, Linnea will wake up and begin to wail. And kick.

13. Terrorist will hand over keys to the helicopter and a map to Osama bin Laden's lair.

See how easy? No water-boarding necessary.

Love,
Mama

Mama Mia!

Dear Oma,
Mama Mia! Tante and Mama watched the movie Mama Mia! and now we're all in trouble. Mama has been singing ABBA songs for days. Daddy is ready to go into hiding. You know how he feels about musicals. And ABBA.

Now Mama is changing the lyrics. This morning it happened to Super Trouper-- an otherwise perfectly fine song. But now, after one bad diaper, she sings to me:

Super Pooper
Wipes are gonna find you
So you won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Poop-p-per)
When you take a poo
(Sup-p-per Poop-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the poop there's you

Do you think maybe Sabrina got to her? Should we stage an I-N-T-E-R-V-E-N-T-I-O-N?

Love,
Little Nea

P.S. What's with the gold diapers? Are they available in my size?

What? Too much?

A Guest Post From Mama

Today Sabrina asked, "How old are you Mama?"

When I told her she said, "Maybe I can count to that high a number when I am much much older."

Ppphhhttttthhhhhh.

I've Got the Sun in the Morning and the Moon at Night

Dear Oma and Tante,

Last night big Sister was playing with her stuffed crescent moon. It's a big yellow jobby. She wrapped it around her neck, threw it in the air, jumped around with it, danced with it, and generally acted like she was Monica in Papa, Please Get the Moon For Me. Mama said she couldn't wrap the moon around the baby's neck, but otherwise Sister went crazy.

When Sister settled down, she asked, "Mama, why are all the suns boys?" Mama looked at her kind of funny and said suns and moons could be boys or girls, but really suns and moons weren't boys or girls. This was a complicated answer, so I could tell Mama was a little confused by the question.

Sister asked again, "No. Why are all the suns boys?"


Have you figured it out yet? Cause Mama was a little slow on the uptake.

Finally Mama said "OH!"


Then she explained that SONS were boys, but SUNS were not and taught Sister how to spell SON and SUN.

Sister liked all the learning, but I think it is a crazy language you people have got here.

Love,
I'm-One-Year-Old-Today! Linnea

P.S. Big Sister did a good job of playing exterminator and deading all the wasps, because we're allowed to play in the backyard again! Mama says the man with the truck might have had something to do with it, but Sister is taking all the credit.

Bella's Long National Nightmare is Over

The whole family is back from Colorado. Bella can now, officially, come out from under the bed.

After Daddy came home, he sat in his recliner. She jumped on the back and bit Daddy's scalp a few times just to make her point. Then she nibbled his ears during the night for good measure.

It's All Relative

Mama and Daddy were talking on the phone about Sister and ME!

"I think the girls are doing well," said Mama. "Except when they are tired or hungry, they've been very well-behaved."

"What are you comparing them to?" asked Daddy. "Have you been watching Barbarians Week on the History Channel again?"

Oma says any man who can make Mama laugh like that is worth keeping.

Is That "Parents" Magazine Calling?

Mama is available for editorial and other positions.

The Heathcare Debate Comes Home

Dear Oma,

On Tuesday Dr. Nea, Dr. Sabrina and cousin Dr. Daniel gave Mama a complete physical.

You’ll be sorry to hear that Mama is terminal.

Dr. Daniel suggested that a shot to the heart could be curative, but Mama declined. Surgery was suggested as an alternative, but Mama is squeamish. She's also ticklish, as it turns out.

Even though Mama is dying, we decided that she had to get lots of shots. She got a shot for chicken pox, flu, tet-tennis, and the plague. I didn’t even know Mama played tennis, but now she doesn't have to any more.

Tante says we inoculated her against everything but bankruptcy, the DT’s, and voting the straight Republican ticket.

Love,
Dr. Nea

W-A-T-E-R

Dear Oma and Tante,

Guess what? I can make two signs!

Mama taught me the sign for “more.” I do it when I’m sitting in my highchair. I take my hands and touch my fingers together in front of me. Mama says, “Yes! More!”

Then I smile and clamp my mouth shut.

Sometimes I make the sign for “more” just because it is fun and just because it is like clapping, but not because I really want more food. Mama says I’m like Helen Keller before the water pump. I like doing the signs but they don’t mean much to me.

Who’s Helen Keller? Is she nice?

When I first did the sign for “more,” Mama said to Daddy, “Look! Linnea has her first sign!” Daddy said, “Congratulations. Your baby can bang her hands together.”

Daddy is just jealous that he’s not bilingual like me.

Mama also taught me the sign for “no more.” You just kind of wave your hands around. I’m good at that one. But I don’t see why I need it. I just shut my mouth and turn my head instead.

I use that one a lot when Mama breaks out the beef and veggie pilaf. Yuck!

Love,
Little Nea

P.S. Yesterday I was chewing on Mama’s shirt. I must have chewed a little hard because Mama let out a yell that I haven’t heard since the last time Sister had her hair washed. Erik said, “Louisa!” Mama said, “Well, it hurt!”

I agree. Mama’s yell really hurt my ears.

She Blinded Me With Science

Dear Oma,

Mama says I am learning about something called “gravity.” Mama says that where F is the magnitude of the gravitational force between the two point masses, G is the gravitational constant, M1 is the mass of the first point mass, M2 is the mass of the second point mass, and R is the distance between the two point masses; then F= G times (M1)(M2) over R2.

I say that when I throw my cup, it hits the floor with a satisfying “BONK.”

Tante says that I’m also learning about human psychology, behavior, and interaction.

I say that when I throw my cup and it hits the floor with a satisfying “BONK,” Mama will bend over and pick it up.

Isn’t science fun?

Tomorrow can we do chemistry?

Love,
Noodle Strudel

Lullaby and Good Night

Dear Oma and Tante,

Big Sister Sabrina and I have both been sick. Sabrina has been running a fever and running things out of every other place, too. I have been running my nose and waking up sobbing. It's all very sad.

When Big Sister was sick in bed Mama snuggled with her. Sabrina said, "Mama, sing to me. Sing the baby song." Mama asked which song was the baby song.

"Lullaby," said Big Sister. So Mama sang our special lullaby song. It goes like this:

Lullaby, and good night
You're my baby Sabrina
Mama loves you Daddy loves you
Loves you more than words can say
It's time for your rest
We'll be here when you awake
It's time for your rest
Lovely dreams you will make.

"I love you, Sabrina," said Mama.

"Thank you Mama," said Sabrina.

Then Sabrina dosed off.

Love,
Nea Noodle Strudel

A Woman's Work is Never Done

Dear Oma and Tante,

Today we watched while Daddy did the dishes!

"Look girls," said Mama. "Daddy is doing man's work."

"It's woman's work!" said both Daddy and Sabrina at the same time.

Mama explained to Big Sister that really there was no "man's work" or "woman's work"-- that both men and women could do all kinds of work.

Sabrina paused while she thought about that one.

"Mama," she asked, "do you pick up the dogs' poop-a-loops?"

Mama cried foul, but Daddy said it was game, set, match.

Place the Lotion in the Basket

Dear Tante,

Today Mama had me lie down on the bed. She told me I had to wait a minute for a bottle. I started to cry, so Big Sister climbed up on the bed and patted my head.

"Don't worry, Nea," she said. "All Good Things To Those Who Wait!"

I don't know what that means, but Mama says that if Big Sister starts asking for fava beans and a nice chianti at dinner, Daddy is in BIG trouble.

Love,
Linnie Lou-Hoo from Kalamazoo

Little Em'ly

Dear Oma and Tante,

Big Sisser is a girl in love.

With her cousin.

Whose name is Emily.

Sister asks lots of questions about Emily. All day long it sounds like this:

“When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long will Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back? When will Emily be here? Where is Emily? Why does Emily have to fly? Will Emily be sad that I have an owie? Will Emily kiss my owie? Why isn’t Emily here? I want to sit next to Emily. I want to be with Emily. How long with Emily stay? Why does Emily have to go back to Indiana? When will Emily be back?”

Mama has to answer every one of those questions every time or else Sabrina repeats it louder and louder and louder.

Mama says it’s nice when the cousins come because they she doesn’t have to do much parenting. Sabrina just disappears with Emily and reappears for snacks and bedtime.

Mama found Sister yesterday with Emily. Emily had picked Big Sister up and Sister’s arms were tight around Emily’s neck. Mama told Sister that before we go to Aunt Michelle and Uncle Greg’s, Sister had to sit on the potty.

“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.
“That’s fine,” said Mama, “but before we leave I want you to sit on the potty.”
“I want to go with Emily,” said Sister.
“You can go with Emily,” said Mama. “But first you have to sit on the potty.”
“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.
“Good,” said Mama. “Just make sure you sit on the potty.”
“I want to go with Emily,” said Sister.
“Fine,” said Mama. “Go with Emily. To the potty.”
“I’m going upstairs with Emily,” said Sister.

Mama gave up.

Sister has been asking for a while, “Is Emily available to come to my birthday party?”

Mama said we could ask, but that we also had to invite our other cousins too. “Why?” asked Sister. Mama said it was because all the cousins love us and want to spend time with us. She said it would hurt the other cousins’ feelings if we didn’t invite them.

Sister had an easy answer.

“But Emily is the best one who I love the best.”

Mama paused.

Then she sighed.

“Whom you love the best,” said Mama. “Whom.”

By the Sucking of My Thumbs, Something Wicked This Way Comes

Dear Oma and Tante,

Something wicked this way came! Someone came and took away my real Mama!

You might know my real Mama. My real Mama wears jeans and shorts and t-shirts and spends the day with me. I wake up with her and fall asleep in her arms. She feeds me and takes me on walks and pushes me on swings at the park.

Now my real Mama is gone. Someone came and replaced her with a new Mama. I do not like this new Mama.

This new Mama has purple toenails and high heels and won’t let me chew on her shirt. This new Mama goes to bed before I do and wakes up with the sun instead of with me. This new Mama goes somewhere every day called “work.”

Daddy calls this Mama’s work “school.”

Big Sister Sabrina is not bothered by this new Mama. Big Sister says Mama’s purple toes look pretty and wants to know if Mama has balloons again at her work.

Did they take my real Mama away to work at a clown school?

This new Mama talks differently. Yesternight at dinner she said, “Time to say grace.” Sabrina said, “I want to say ‘Nea gookies’ instead.” New Mama's face said, “nope,” but her mouth said, “Go ahead.”

So grace sounded like this: “God is ‘Nea great gookies God is ‘Nea good gookies” and new Mama had to tell Sabrina to knock it off.

Next Sabrina asked if we could put our face in our cup of apple juice. New Mama said, “I’d like to see you try.”

Daddy said that Mama “has been back to work one day and has lost all her Mommy IQ.”

At bedtime Big Sister had a big poop-a-loop. While she was changing Sister’s diaper, new Mama asked Sister, “How old do you think you will be when you start putting your poop in the potty?”

Sister said, “Hmmmmm. I think maybe eight.”

New Mama said they don’t make diapers for eight-year-olds, and Sister should think again.

Sister said, “Oh. Then I think maybe six.”

I think maybe Daddy is right. My real Mama knows better than to ask the question.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou

You Only Smack The Ones You Love

Dear Tante and Oma,

Yesterday and today Mama hustled and bustled all about town getting pretty for her job.

Sometimes Sabrina tells Mama she’s pretty. Mama says that’s a nice thing to say. Sometimes Sabrina tells me I’m pretty, but sometimes she tells me I am not pretty. Mama says that is not a nice thing to say.

Mama asked Sabrina how she feels when people say that Linnea looks just like Sabrina. Sabrina said, “I don’t like it.” Mama asked why not. Sabrina said, “I don’t like to hear that she is pretty like I am.”

Mama said she could understand that, but I don’t. Why can’t we be four pretty girls? Mama, Sabrina, Linnea, and Daddy!

Anyway, Mama got her hair cut, her eyebrows waxed, and her toenails painted purple. I’m not sure why she needs purple toes for work. Daddy doesn’t know either.

Sister and I are both a little obsessed with Mama’s toes. I can’t get over the purple. I grab Mama’s toes every chance I get.

Sister loves the smell of the just-done toes. She keeps getting down on her hands and knees and smelling Mama’s toes. That little girl is weird.

Yesternight, Mama went in to give Big Sister some good night snuggles. Mama held Sister tight and said, “Give me the tightest hug you have.” Then Mama pointed to her check and said, “Give me a big smacker. Right there.”

So Sister hauled off and slapped Mama!

Mama said she must have neglected to explain that “smacker” means “kiss.”

I tried to give Mama a kiss while we were in California. I opened my mouth wide and pressed it against her cheek. Then I bit her! Mama says no more kisses from Nea Noodle.

I might give a little kiss to Sabrina if she tries any of that “smacker” stuff with me.

Love,
Nea Noodley-Noodle

Californ-Eye-A

Dear Tante and Oma,

Early early Thursday morning Mama and Daddy put a crying ME! and a crying Sister in the car and we drove and drove and drove.

When I woke up the first time it was still dark and we were in Dixie!

No, not that Dixie.

In Utah they call St. George "Dixie" because Brigham Young sent Mormons there to grow cotton. I thought you needed water to grow cotton, but if those people in St. George have any water they sure are doing a good job of hiding it. They only things those people are growing are golf courses and scrub.

In Dixie they have a big "D" on the mountain for the university that didn't hire Daddy. Mama says the “D” stands for “darn hot.” She says it’s a good thing we didn’t move there because she’d never leave the house in the summer time. Daddy says they should retire there and he'll play golf. Mama says Daddy can retire there when she’s dead.

When I woke up the second time we were in someplace Mama and Daddy kept calling "Vegas, baby. Vegas." We had some breakfast at a place called Jack in the Box. Mama wasn’t impressed. Mama said, "What DO you do with a Kangaroo?" Then we kept driving.

The next time I woke we were at Starbucks. It was like home.

Then we were at Uncle Big John's and Aunt Nicole's!

Everything here is tall. Uncle John is tall. Baby Jack is tall. The house is three stories and the doors are tall. I'll bet they are as tall as my ceiling at home. The ceilings are even taller than the doors. I'll bet they are as tall as Daddy-- taller even-- and he's the tallest thing I know!

Just like Sister Sabrina, this is a house that tattles on you. When you open a door to the outside a bell chimes. Mama found that one out the hard way. I don’t think she was trying to escape, but you never know.

They have a really big sandbox and a really big swimming pool! These are called "the beach." We went to this beach on Thursday, and on Friday I got to play with the sand. Then Daddy held me and put my feet in the water. My pants got plenty wet, but I liked it a lot.

That baby Jack is one month older than I am but he can crawl and stand and walk around holding on to someone's hand.

It's sad.

I guess it's because he can't do yoga poses to get toys like I do, and he doesn't have a toy delivery system like I have (its name is "Sabrina") so he had to learn to crawl.

That lucky Jack has a Grammy named Miss Marie. She lives here with him. He also has a nanny named Miss Nina who comes to help Miss Marie. She is from Finland. She is very nice. I put my head on her shoulder today to show her how nice she is. Then I fell asleep.

More later!
Love,
Little Linnie Lou

1984

Dear Oma and Tante,

Mama had to give Big Sisser extra cuddles this morning. She told Sister than we were leaving for California early early the next morning.

Sister started crying.

“Are you just going to leave?” asked Sister, very sad. She thought Mama and Daddy were going to leave without her!

Mama held Sabrina in her arms and said, “Don’t worry Sabrina. We would NEVER leave you.” Then Mama explained that Mama and Daddy will put the two girls in the car and we’ll all go to California together.

She also explained that Sabrina and Linnea are never never never never never never never never never left alone.

It was actually kind of creepy in a big brother sort of way.

Love,
Little Linnie Orwell

A Guest Post From Mama

I'm sorry-- I can't hear you over all the noise. That racket? Oh, that's just my three-year-old daughter sobbing in Time Out. Why is she in Time Out? For throwing her juice cup across the room.

You see, I had the unmitigated gall to give her juice in a Thomas the Tank Engine cup instead of a Cinderella cup.

Don't worry. She's almost four. I'm sure this ridiculous behavior will stop soon.

What? What? WHAT? You say it won't stop? It will continue? Maybe get worse? Four is a “tough” age too?

Excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a bridge.

If You’re Going to San Francisco, Be Sure to Wear Raisins In Your Hair

Dear Oma and Tante,

Today Mama was trying to brush Big Sister’s hair and found a big sticky glob in it. After consulting with Daddy, they finally figured out the mystery of the glob. It was a RAISIN! A big old smashy raisin.

Mama’s a little confused because Big Sister hasn’t had raisins since yesterday morning. She says Sabrina can just ask for snacks. She doesn’t have to pack her own.

Daddy says we should watch out for other things hiding in Sister’s hair. Like Jimmy Hoffa.

Who’s Jimmy Hoffa? And why would he be in Sister’s hair?

My Poppy is visiting me! Yesterday when we got home from the airport he took Sabrina out back to play. While he was outside he picked up lots of the dogs’ poop-a-loops. He had a whole bag full. Mama says, “Forget Thomas the Tank Engine. Poppy is a Really Useful Poppy!”

Mama told Daddy that Poppy found so many poop-a-loops out there that Daddy must not be doing his job of daily pickup very well. Daddy says he must be bad at that job and Mama should do it instead. Mama says she has enough poop in her life, and doesn’t need to add any more.

Poppy and Daddy have been golfing and watching the U.S. Open together. Daddy watches the golf on the television and the golf on the Internet at the same time so he can keep tabs on Ernie Els.

Ernie Els is Daddy’s most favorite golfer. Ernie is currently tied for 111th place. Daddy isn’t happy. If Ernie doesn’t make the cut then the Open is OVER as far as Daddy is concerned.

Ernie Els is such Daddy’s favorite that Big Sister Sabrina’s first sentence was “Ernie, Make A Put!” Daddy says instead she should have said, “Ernie, Make The Cut!”

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. Sabrina is running around like a banshee yelling about being in a parade. She’s got her horsy riding on her giraffe in the parade. Mama says that’s really rather unnatural, but Sister is undeterred.

Toga! Toga!

Dear Oma and Tante,

Well, Daddy wanted a boy; and now it looks like he got one.

It turns out Sabrina is actually a boy. Not just any kind of boy. She’s a frat boy.

Yesterday, in addition to sticking her finger in her bottom (Eeeeuuuuwwww!), she tooted on me. Then, when Daddy was changing her poopy diaper, she said that next time she was going to “poop on ‘Nea’s head.”

Double Eeeuuuuuwww!

Mama and Daddy don’t know whether to paddle her or send her to college. Mama says all Big Sister Sabrina needs is a kegerator and a toga and she’s set to go streaking through the quad.

Love,
Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. What’s a kegerator?

P.P.S. What was Mama doing in college?

Ol' Chomper

Dear Oma and Tante,

I have a new tooth! One of my top front teeth has come in. Oma actually found it when she was here last week. Daddy calls my new tooth “Ol’ Chomper.”

Mama says, don’t worry. Daddy trotted out that “Ol’ Chomper” joke when Sabrina was a baby, too.

Daddy says I have more teeth now than some of his neighbors at WCU had. Mama says that joke is new.

I also decided today that I like strawberries. Mama wants to know why I will eat strawberries that have only been smashed with the back of a fork; but I gag on cooked carrots that have been blended within an inch of their lives.

Mama’s not very smart, is she?

Today Sabrina was pretending that she was the Mama. She said her stuffed pink pig was her baby, and had just come out of her tummy. She wrapped him in one of my blankets and was cradling him in her arms. Then she asked Mama, “When do babies have a bath to get their Mama’s spit off of them?”

Eeeeuuuuwwwww! Why would my Mama spit on me?

Today Miss Mirjam and Marie came to visit us. Marie and I stole toys out of each other’s hands and we both cried. It was fun. Then Marie pushed me around in a little red wagon. She kept bringing the wagon to her mama and fussing, and we finally figured out she wanted little ME in the wagon! After Marie pushed me around some then Sabrina pushed me around some too.

Marie likes to talk with my Mama. Marie likes to nod and prattle and nod and prattle. Mama says, “oh, really?” like she understands. Then Marie nods and says “ja.” That little girl is pretty good at “nein,” too. Everything else is total gibberish, but she’s good at knowing when I need my pacie. Sometimes she tries to put two pacies in my mouth, just for good measure.

Last time we left Marie’s house, Miss Mirjam told her to say “goodbye.” Marie held my Mama’s hand and waved goodbye to Sabrina. Marie cried when Miss Mirjam picked her up and told her she got that one wrong.

My Poppy is coming to visit me tomorrow! We’re going to get him very early in the morning at the airport. We have to leave at 7:30 a.m. Mama says good thing we make her an HOV.

Very early this morning Sabrina got DAS BOOT from Mama’s room. Mama said Sister had two options. She (A) could rest quietly with Mama, or (B) go whine somewhere else. Sabrina took option (C), which was whine in Mama’s room. Mama tossed her out. Sabrina decided option (D) was throw a temper tantrum on the floor outside of Mama’s closed door.

Now she’s helping Daddy pick up the dogs’ poop-a-loops outside. She thinks it’s fun. Mama says later Sabrina can help her clean the toilets too. Mama’s not kidding either. Sabrina loves to swish. She’s a weird little girl.

I must have eaten a good dinner tonight, because right now I have a big tummy. I’m just wearing a diaper, so everyone can see how my tummy sticks out. Sabrina rubs my tummy and calls it a “Buddha belly” and makes a wish. Daddy calls me “Ethiopian Pretty!” Mama says, “ERIK!” really loud.

Sister and I both had to take a bath tonight. We take a bath together. Somehow it must save water when Sabrina dumps water on my head.

While we were in the bath Sabrina announced that she was “sticking her finger in her bottom.” Mama and Daddy both said, “SABRINA!” really loud at the same time. Daddy says we don’t do that, and we especially don’t do that when little sister is in the bathtub with us.

If that’s how she wants to play bath time, I’m pretty sure I can beat her at her own game.

Love,
Little ‘Nea

P.S. Do you think there’s Mama spit on my blanket now? Maybe we should wash it just to make sure?

I'm Just Mad About Sharing, and It's Just Mad About Me

Dear Oma and Tante,

Silly Sisser Sabrina has some new names for me. Mostly she calls me her “Dear Little Honey.” Sometimes she calls me her “Dear Little Sister Linnea.” Sometimes she calls me her “Dear Little ‘Nea.” Sometimes she calls me “Little Sweetheart” or “Little Sisser Misser.”

Then she brains me with a book.

I’m a very confused.

Mostly she tells me she loves me. She brings me toys and hands me books when I can’t reach them and shows me how to crawl and bakes me pretend birthday cakes. Except I’m not allowed to touch the pretend cake or play with it and she WHIPS it away from me when I try.

She also writes invitations to “Dear Little Honey’s Birthday Party.” She likes to sing, “Come celebrate Dear Little Honey’s birthday!” while she’s drawing an invitation. She runs over to show me her drawings. But I’m not allowed to chew on the invitations and she WHIPS them away from me when I try.

She gives me lots of hugs. Then she pushes me over.

Sometimes she calls me “stinky.” Mama says, “Sabrina, this is your ONE warning.” If Sabrina calls me stinky again Mama calls “Time Out!” Then Sabrina has to go sit on the naughty mat. She seems pretty cheerful about it.

Sometimes she sings a song about how stinky I am. She sings, “Linnie is a stinky stinky baby.” She sang it at Wal-Mart until Mama said if Sabrina sang it one more time there would be a consequence. And don’t think Mama won’t do Time Out at Wal-Mart.

Sabrina started singing again: “Linnie is . . . NOT a stinky stinky baby.” Mama said that’s what we call adhering to the letter of the law but not the spirit.

At bedtime she wants me to come and kiss her goodnight. If I’m already asleep in my own bed then Sabrina asks, “Is Little Sisser Misser dreaming about me?” And Mama says, “Yes.” Mama knows everything— even my dreams.

Once Sister ran full out at me, screaming. Then she screeched to a halt and stole my pacie out of my mouth. She got a big Time Out for that one.

Mama says that we can have two conflicting ideas in our heads at the same time. This means one sister can love another sister and be mad at her sister at the same time.

This is very confusing to me. I’m still working on having one idea in my head at a time.

Mama gets very mad if Sisser is mean to me. She gives Sisser a Time Out and then makes her say she’s sorry—not once, but twice. First she has to say sorry to Mama, then she has to say sorry to me and give me a gentle touch or a kiss. Then Mama says we have to be always kind and gentle to each other because we are SISTERS FOREVER. She also says I’m not allowed to pull Sister’s hair, which is disappointing to me.

Mama asked Sabrina how she feels about having a sister. Sabrina looked at Mama like she was silly and said, “good.” Then she went away to play.

The next day Sabrina asked Mama if Mama knew why Sabrina got angry with me. Mama said she didn’t know, and asked Sabrina to tell her. Sabrina said, “I don’t like sharing my toys.”

This could be a problem.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. I heard that this week my cousin Daniel graduated from kindergarten! Daddy says we should only attend graduations for people who have learned skills that will get them a job. Mama says that if that were the rule then nobody would have gone to her college graduation.

Anemic, Uneven, and Delayed

Dear Tante and Oma,

I am mad, mad, mad, and I may not take it anymore.

Mama took me to the doctor on Friday for my “nine month checkup.” They say it that way so that they won’t say the word “shots” in front of me. I’ve fallen for that one before. I’m more than nine months old now but my doctor is very busy.

Not too busy to be mean though.

We got there and before so much as a how-do-you-do I was naked and they were sticking me in the foot with a sharp little thing. Mama held me and sang to me and told me I did a good job. Since she was being nice I didn’t cry while they were pushing all the blood out of me.

The nurse was nice, too, after the poking. She weighed me and measured me and said I was cute. That was OK. After the nurse was done Mama sat with me in the chairs and let me help her read a magazine. That was fun.

But then the doctor came in. He stood at the other end of the room and after how-do-you-do and how-do-you-do he asked, did Mama have any concerns? Mama said, “Well, she’s not crawling yet.”

She could have just told me that was bothering her—she didn’t have to report me to the doctor police.

After Mama reported me for not crawling the doctor police just about took me downtown for questioning. He asked was I pulling up and pinching things or raking them and feeding myself and sitting and playing and was I on my tummy and could I see and hear and was I making progress and where was I last Tuesday at around 9:00 p.m.?

Mama started to talk to him about how I was doing. When it was all over he said I had some “gross and fine motor delays” but we didn’t have to worry right now.

Well, I didn’t like that one bit and neither did Mama. First, there is nothing delayed about me. Someone has to be at the bottom of the baby pile, and I volunteered to be last for crawling. Another baby will be last for talking. Don’t they understand how the baby world works?

Second, don’t tell Mama there is a problem but not to worry. She is very good at worrying. She likes to worry early and often.

Then the doctor said all that blood they took out of my foot shows I am anemic. Of course I am anemic—they took all my blood. Then he said I had to take a multivitamin and iron supplements and asked about what I ate.

Mama was talking to Dr. Mean Police about it. She was sitting and he was standing and she was talking talking talking and he was typing typing typing and finally Mama stopped talking and just sat there until he stopped typing. It took a while. He should watch out. Mama’s a teacher. She can stand there in silence all day until everybody pays attention.

Then Mama got tired of having the police stand there so she said, would you mind sitting down to talk with me? And then he did.

Then he stood up and he poked and weighed and measured and said I had been found wanting. Actually, he said I had been found not growing both legs at the same time. He said one leg was shorter than the other but I would probably catch up.

The whole rest of the time he stood. So Mama stood.

Before they poked me again Mama asked if maybe they could use some sort of cream to help me with the pain from the poking. She actually used some big words like “topical anesthetic.” She already knew the name of the stuff she wanted. But he said he didn’t use it because it didn’t go that deep and did Mama understand how they gave shots in the muscle? Then he left and the nurse poked me and I cried.

When Mama got home she was mad about the standing and talking and the typing and the muscle shot. Mama says she might only be a lawyer and teacher but she knows her IM from her sub-cutaneous and the doctor was acting like this was her first rodeo.

Miss Mirjam says Mama needs to fix it—either quit complaining or get a new doctor. Daddy says Mama is just mad because the doctor doesn’t tell her how brilliant she is.

I’m just mad because he said I was anemic, uneven, and delayed. Then he poked me. Actually, he had some cute nurse poke me. He didn’t even have the guts to do it himself. Mama says doctors don’t do it because they don’t want kids to be scared of them or mad at them and start screaming as soon as they walk in the room.

He doesn’t have to worry. I’m already mad.

And now I have to take some yucky med-ne-sen.

Sister is mad too. She wanted to come to the doctor with us and Mama said no. Sabrina said she wanted to help me with my shots. Mama thinks Sister wanted to hold my hand and say “shhhhh, little honey.” I think Sabrina wanted to stick the needle in me all by herself.

When we got home Sabrina said when we left Daddy took her outside to play and that helped her to feel better. I’m glad she was feeling better. I wasn’t.

Yesterday Mama had a baby shower for Miss Mirjam. Sabrina and I weren’t allowed. We had to go play with Daddy and Reverend Daniel and baby Marie.

Today at church everyone was talking about what a nice party it was. Mrs. Pendergrass was saying how great Mama is—she’s a lawyer and a Mama and a good cook and a nice hostess.

Daddy says since Mrs. Pendergrass thinks Mama is fabulous maybe Mrs. Pendergrass should be our new pediatrician.

Mama gave Daddy the raspberry for that one.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.R.S. I have a new game! When I am sitting up and you are watching I fall backward and then I laugh. You and my stomach muscles help me sit up and right away I fall backward again and laugh. I could do it for hours.

I figure I might as well fall backward myself since Sister likes to push me backward anyway. It makes Mama mad and Sister has to say “sorry.”

Sweet As Honey

Dear Oma and Tante,

Last Saturday was BIG SISSER AND MAMA DAY! Big Sisser And Mama Day is really RUN ERRANDS DAY! But with ice cream at the end.

Mama and Sisser went to Deseret Industries to look for play-outside-in-the-dirt-shorts-for-everyone.

Mama says that Deseret Industries is the Mormon version of The Salvation Army. All the Mormons give all their old stuff to Deseret Industries and Deseret Industries sells it and gives jobs and lockers and showers and pride to people who don’t have those things.

Everyone here calls it “D.I.” It took Mama a long time to find out what they were talking about. They call it “Deseret” because everything here is Deseret. The Mormons wanted to name Utah Deseret because it means honeybee in the Book of Mormon. They think they are just like honeybees because they are communal and work hard like bees and their labor has sweet results. Mama says Mormons always leave out a few parts to the story, like that real bees have a girl in charge and bees sting you when they get scared.

(Mama also says that the government said “nope” to naming Utah Deseret for the Mormons and named it Utah for the Ute Indians who used to live here. Ute means “People of the Mountains” but now they are mostly just people of the reservation. Mama says they’d probably rather have the land than the name but it doesn’t look like we’ll be giving either one back.)

Anyway, at D.I. Mama also said that Sisser could chose one book for her and one book for me. Sisser looked at a bunch of books. Mama helped her choose To Think that I Saw it on Mulberry Street and the Lady and the Tramp. Mama says these are good books and so far I agree!

At the register Sabrina figured out that Mama didn’t buy some Googley eye book about animals in the Bible. Well, Sister started crying. She cried and screamed, “I WANT IT!” She cried and screamed, “I WANT IT!” from the checkout stand all the way to the car. Mama had to carry her to the car and there was crying and carrying-on and foolishness the whole way.

On the way to the car there were some very nice people speaking a totally different language in the parking lot, and it wasn’t just because they are Mormon. They looked at screaming sister and smiled at Mama and didn’t act mad but just like they understood. Mama says tantrums translate.

Mama told Daddy that sister actually did a good job because she was howling, “I WANT IT! I WANT IT!” all the way to the car but it sounded like this: “I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I HAVE TO GO POTTY! I WANT IT!”

Mama did an ABOUT-FACE with Sisser and marched that crying screaming howling yowling little girl right back into the store. The Mormons must have thought that Mama was crazy or was a Gentile come to test their faith. Sister just continued the tantrum all the way back to the store, through the store to the very back to the bathrooms, through the process of going potty, and all the way back to the car.

Mama says she did a good job too because she didn’t get mad at Sisser and finally just told her that if she didn’t KNOCK IT OFF they would go home and Big Sisser And Mama Day would be OVER. Mama says it was also a good job she didn’t buy the googely eye book because it was a “short insipid little number whose main attraction was the large pair of googley eyes that each animal sported” and that there are better uses for our 50 cents.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. Mama also let Sisser buy a little plastic cup shaped like a cow. One for her and one for me. Sisser says I get the yellow one and she gets the pink one. She’s always taking the pink one of everything. Pppttthhhhhhhhhhhhh.

P.P.S. Did you know Big Sisser calls me “Little Honey” now? We call Sisser “Big Honey” since Sisser calls me Little Honey. We’re all very sweet. But don’t tell the honeybees. They might come and try to get us.

How Much Is That Cinderella In The Window?

Dear Oma and Tante,

POOP is the big topic around here!

When we went grocery shopping on Sunday, Big Sister’s big eyes saw a Cinderella plate and bowl and fork and spoon. She said, “I WANT IT!” Mama isn’t too patient with I WANT IT! But crafty Mama put on her thinking hat and said that there was a way that Sisser could have it.

Mama said they could buy the Cinderella things, but they would belong to Mama, not Sister! Mama said Sister could EARN Cinderella back one thing at a time by putting her poop in the potty.

Well, Sister didn’t know what to say about that. Mama let her think about it.

Sister tried to negotiate, and said that plate looked like a good present for a little girl who put her pee in the potty. But Mama said no way.

Sister had to stand there really long and really think about whether Cinderealla was worth it. Finally she decided it was, as long as she got to hold Cinderella in the car. Mama said they had a deal.

Well, Sister hasn’t earned BUPKISS yet. She tried and tried and tried to poop on the potty for two days and nothing but crying happened. Finally Daddy gave her a diaper. Daddy says it was practically a toxic waste dump a few minutes later.

Then yesterday Big Sister had her first poop accident. She said she had to poop and Mama said, “GREAT! Sit on the potty.” Sister sat on the potty and we heard crying. Then we didn’t hear anything. When Mama went up to check Sister said she had a little accident and had poop in her underpants. When Mama asked what happened Big Sister Sabrina said, “The poop didn't do a good job of staying in my body.”

Mama said it’s good to let the poop out of your body, and I have to agree. But Mama says it’s best to sit on the potty when that happens. Mama helped Sister put the poop in the potty and clean up. Sister looked at the poop for a long time and then finally waved goodbye to it.

Then Sabrina said, “I want a present!” Mama said, “No way.” She said there were presents for poop in the potty, but not when the poop makes a pit stop in your underwear.

I think I’ll keep my diapers as long as possible. Cinderella isn’t worth all this trouble.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

What DO You Do With A Kangeroo?

Dear Tante and Oma,

Mama says these naptime diaries might get hard to write, now that I sleep through the night in my own bed in my own room. But she doesn’t know that I have ears like a bat and a memory like an elephant. Nothing in this house gets past me.

Like last week. Big sisser Sabrina was having trouble going to sleep. Mama went in to talk to her.

When Mama and Sisser talk in bed, Sisser likes to ask questions. Sisser asked Mama if she had washed her face. Mama said yes. Sisser put her hand on Mama’s cheek. She likes to do that after Mama washes her face and puts all her creams on. Mama asked, “is my face soft?” Sabrina said, “Yes! You got all the whiskers off!”

A little while later Mama was in bed reading, and Sisser was in bed but wasn’t asleep. She said, “Mama! The timer went off!” Mama said, “OK?” Because really no timer went off. Then Sabrina said, “Mama! It’s time to close your book!”

Sisser thinks the rules apply to everyone. Sisser has a lot to learn.

When Mama really did close her book she went to check on Sisser. Sisser was in bed reading a book. That’s a no-no after lights out. Mama made Sisser put the book away and lay down with her head on the pillow. Then she went back to bed and told Daddy that Sisser was up reading What Do You Do With a Kangaroo?

Daddy mumbled, “You paddle it.”

Love,
Little Linnea

Hold The Mayo

Dear Oma and Tante,

Today we learned about babies!

First, at quiet time, Sabrina was looking at Mama’s Smithsonian magazine. There was a famous picture of a baby just coming out of his Mama. You couldn’t see the Mama, just the doctor and the baby.

That baby had an UM-BLIL-CAL cord attached. Mama says that Mama’s give their babies all the things they need through that cord because you can’t very well order up a sandwich and a glass of milk when you’re in your Mama’s tummy can you? Sabrina asked why not?

That little baby in the picture had his eyes skwinched closed and the doctor was holding him upside down by the leg and his little red private parts were hanging out for the whole world to see and he was kind of wet. He looked like he needed a blankie and a cuddle. Sabrina asked lots of questions. Finally Mama closed the magazine and her eyes.

Then after dinner we went on our walk. We saw one mama duck! She had THREE babies. Her babies were swimming around and then they would hop up on a log and shake shake shake their little bottoms! Then Mama would sing the “Shake Your Tail Feather” song. It was funny. Then we saw a mama goose! She had about a DOZEN little babies all following her around in the water. Mama says that must be a Mormon goose. I think that makes the mama duck an Episcopalian!

Then we saw Sabrina’s favorite chick-chick-CHICKENS! Sabrina asked why can’t chickens fly and Mama said because their bodies are too heavy for their wings. Sabrina asked why and Mama said that’s just the way God made them. Sabrina said maybe God would make some more and give them bigger wings but Mama said God made them a long time ago and was unlikely to remake them now.

Then we saw some horses in a pasture. There was a little horse. Mama said it wasn’t a baby but wasn’t a grown up. Sabrina said it was kind of like a big kid horse. Mama said yes except a kid is a baby goat. Sabrina asked if the HORSE was in the PASTOR and Mama laughed and said she hoped not. Sabrina said Mama what’s a PASTOR and Mama said a reverend like Reverend Daniel. She said a PASTURE is where the horses graze. There sure is a lot to learn.

Then we saw a snail trying to cross the river path. Mama stopped the stroller so we could see the little snail with his house on his back g-o— v-e-r-y—s-l-o-w-l-y where he was going. Sabrina asked where his babies were and Mama said she didn’t know. Sabrina said maybe home in bed. Mama said good point; it is getting late.

Then we left the snail with his house on his back but on the way back that little snail was where we left him but he was in a pile and his house on his back was cracked up into pieces. Mama didn’t show Sabrina but I could tell it made Mama sad.

Sabrina wanted to walk home through the neighborhood and we talked about flowers and trees. Mama said Sabrina, those trees are aspens. They grow fast but they don’t live long. That made Sabrina ask about all the other trees but Mama didn’t know all their names. She said Oma and Grammy were better at knowing the names of trees.

Sabrina asked do Oma and Grammy know everything? Mama said maybe not everything, but don’t tell Oma that. But Mama says Oma’s been alive a LOT longer so that’s why she knows more about some things.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

GAK!

Dear Tante and Oma,

Today I threw up for the first time! Every baby can spit up, but not every baby can throw up. That’s a completely different kind of UP.

At dinner Mama fed me some things. Plain potatoes mashed with a little cow’s milk. That was new. Puréed peas. That was old. A taste of goat cheese. That was yucky. I made my blech face and left my mouth open until it fell out. That goat should be ashamed of himself.

I have my very own purple cup now, and I drank myself lots of water from my very own purple cup.

We were all eating and before you know it I made some cat sounds and some things came up. Just like BOO! Then I made some more cat sounds and more and more things came up. Just like BOO! Mr. Boo and I can make the same GAK sounds. I knew that little cat was my friend. He just doesn’t know it yet. Mama says that’s because he tries to share my pack-and-play and I YANK his fur. But I’m just trying to say HI!

After I made cat sounds Mama made me get all naked and cleaned me off with a warm wet washcloth and then made me sit there while everybody else ate dinner. I watched and gummed some things on my highchair and I made chewing faces. Finally she let me eat some rice cereal with formula milk. Since I didn’t make anymore GAK sounds she let me go on our walk, but then after our walk she made me take a bath.

I love to take baths with big sister Sabrina. She puts water on my head until Mama makes her stop. Then she splashes me until Mama makes her stop. Then she tries to slide down the side of the tub until Mama makes her stop.

When she’s done STOPPING we both go BANG BANG BANG with our hands in the water and KICK KICK KICK with our feet in the water. I chew on a pink rubber ducky. The ducky has a mouth but he doesn’t chew back.

After a while Mama washes me and makes me get out of the bath. I scream. She picks me up. I scream. She washes my bottom and puts me back in the bath. I stop screaming. She gets me out again. I scream. But Mama says she doesn’t negotiate with terrorists and wraps me in a towel like a BURRITO and moisturizes me like a TRUSSED CHICKEN and then puts me in jamas and takes me away. Then I give up and stop crying and just suck my pacie while Mama gets me a bottle.

After I drink my bottle Mama says I have to go to sleep but I say NO NO NO GA GA GA DA DA DA CAW CAW CAW. I grab her glasses. Mama takes them off. I grab the remote. Mama takes it away. I push Mama’s face over so I can fiddle with her earrings. She takes her face away. Sometimes she tricks me and isn’t wearing earrings. Then I trick her back and I GRAB her hair and I YANK! She says NO NO NO and I say that I agree, NO NO NO but she means a different NO.

While Mama and I say NO NO NO to each other, Big Sisser Sabrina gets in her jammies and brushes her teeth. I have a toothbrush now with my very own toothpaste for my TWO teeth. Mama bought me THOMAS toothpaste, but now big sisser Sabrina has started using all my Thomas toothpaste day and night. All day long she says she wants to brush her teeth but really she wants Thomas and not her big girl SPARKLE toothpaste.

Today she went to find Mama so she could brush her teeth AGAIN and said to Mama, “Again With the Teeth Brushing!” Mama laughed and asked who taught her to say that. Daddy says Mama doesn’t have to look far to see who talks like that.

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. Terrorist Sabrina is in big trouble. Mama has been reading.

Today Sabrina wanted her quiet time juice in a THOMAS cup. Mama said Sabrina you have juice in your yellow cup and water in your Thomas cup and they both right there next to you. Sabrina said put the juice in the Thomas cup. Mama said no, she was on her way downstairs with laundry and Sabrina should rest.

Well, that Sabrina was mighty unhappy. Sabrina whined. Mama said she wouldn’t listen to whining. Sabrina cried. Mama WALKED OUT and didn’t say anything else.

Even I know that a quiet Mama can be a dangerous Mama.

Sabrina cried and whined and cried and carried on and fussed and cried and threw her cup on the floor and cried some more. But Mama ignored her and didn’t talk to her and didn’t ask her what was wrong and didn’t fix the juice and didn’t go back upstairs.

In the end big sister Sabrina cried herself to sleep and slept for two hours. She woke up PERKY and Mama said juice was a silly thing to cry so much about. Silly Sabrina agreed.

If Sabrina isn’t careful she’ll ruin the crying and whining before I even get a chance to try it.

P.P.S. Sabrina scolded Mama this morning for putting an empty cup on the wood table without something underneath. Oma, are you proud?

One, Two, What's a Shoe?

Dear Tante and Oma,

I have TWO teeth now! But that doesn’t make me want to eat the salmon Mama gave me last night.

I have ONE finger. Mama calls it Mr. Pointer. I like to use it to point, fiddle, flip, and hook Mama’s lip like a fish and rrreeeeeeell her in!

I have ONE sister. She is sick, and so am I. I have a runny nose. Yesterday it was just ONE nostril, but now it is TWO. I blow raspberries and make spit bubbles so everything mixes around into one big mess and it’s lots of fun and all good!

I had ONE lunch and Sabrina fed me some of her yo-grit. I like yo-grit! It was GREEK yo-grit. Are all GREEK things this good?

Mama got ONE Book of Mormon yesterday. She says she really likes the lady who gave it to her, so she’s going to look at it in the best possible light. She’s using it as a coaster.

Mama slept with TWO little girls last night. ONE little girl cried a lot, and it wasn’t me! ONE Daddy went and slept in the guest room. He was in charge of going to get milk and diapers and other things when Mama called him.

ONE Sabrina is very hot, except when she eats her grape med-ne-zen. I don’t want to sleep by her. During the night Mama told Big Sisser Wisser that she had a fever and needed some medicine. She said, “I DON’T need med-ne-zen, Mama. I’m not so sick as you get.”

Love,
Sickie Linnie

A Headless Horse in My Bed

Dear Tante and Oma,

Remember in The Godfather when the producer refuses to cast Johnny Fontane in his new film, and Don Corleone sends a message? Well, last night Sabrina’s horsy pacie met a similar end, and the screaming was about the same.

Sabrina’s horsy wasn’t named Khartoum, but he was a handsome pink devil with an impish green pacie in his mouth. Last night Mama took a pair of scissors to him and murdered poor little horsy!

Here’s what happened: for a long time Mama and Daddy have been telling Sabrina that Easter is NO MORE PACIES DAY—even at nighttime!

This seems mean, because Sabrina sure loves her pacies. She has horsy pacie, doggy pacie, green froggy pacie, and beaded pacie chains from Germany with pacies on the end. She likes to sleep with about twelve pacies. She likes pacies on her fingers, pacies in her mouth, and pacies clipped to her shirt.

During the day she’ll go lie down just so she can have a pacie.

But Mama said it was time to sleep without pacies and Daddy said it was time to sleep without pacies and the dentist said it was time to sleep without pacies. I must admit my big sister is getting a bit of an overbite.

Anyway, Big Sisser Sabrina was very excited about Easter and about being a big girl who sleeps without pacies.

Until bedtime, that is.

Easter night she said she would just wear the pacies on her fingers, but somehow they found their way into her mouth. The next night Mama said “No pacies. Period.” Apparently saying punctuation makes it more convincing.

When the punctuation ended, the crying started.

Big Sisser Sabrina cried and cried when Mama said goodnight without pacies. Then she stood and screamed. Then she turned on all the lights and cried some more.

Daddy went up to help Sabrina. Sabrina stopped crying long enough to tell Daddy she wanted a pacie chain. Mama sent one up. Tricky Mama took the pacie off the pacie chain first, though.

You can imagine my sister’s reaction.

Then Mama went up to try to calm down Sisser Wisser. Sisser asked for horsy pacie. Mama said she couldn’t have a pacie with horsy. Sisser said, “OK.” Mama said, “You want horsy without a pacie?” Sisser said, “Yes.”

So Mama left the room, cut the pacie part off horsy, and brought the remains to Sabrina.

Well, you can’t imagine Sisser’s grief. Her beloved horsy had been decapitated. She cried. She wailed. She moaned. She screamed. She opened her mouth and no sound came out. She gnashed her teeth.

She calmed down some, and then took one look at her horsy and started sobbing again.

To make a long sob story short, Mama had to rock a hiccupping sister in the recliner and tell her stories about how Mama and Daddy had to learn to sleep without sucking on anything. After sister calmed down, she went back to bed. Then the crying started again.

I finally decided to sleep, but this morning Mama said it took my sister two hours to cry herself to sleep.

Today Sabrina has been walking around sadly asking Mama if we can put that pacie back on horsy. Mama said no.

Then she asks Mama why Mama hurt horsy. Mama calls it “an unfortunate misunderstanding.” Sisser calls it the “deliberate murder of a non-combatant.” Sabrina asked Mama if Linnie would have to give up her pacies some day too. Mama said yes.

Run for your life, Kitty Cat Pacie, run for your life!

Love,
Linnie Lou

Danger, Will Robinson!

Dear Tante and Oma,

Danger! Danger! Danger! Dive! Dive! Dive!

You can’t imagine the plague that has come to our little house in Provo. I can hardly believe it myself.

I heard Mama and Daddy talking on Sunday about something they call “sleep training.” Have you ever heard of this? The words don’t sound bad, but the meaning is VERY BAD.

At first I thought it was a mistake. Why do I need to train to sleep? I sleep just fine in my car seat and my swing. But Daddy said, when are we going to get Linnea out of that car seat?

Then I heard them say I would have to cry in my crib. Why would they PLAN for me to cry in my crib? I tried to bounce and squawk and play my music very loudly to distract them, but they kept talking about this BAD THING.

Then yesterday the worst thing EVER happened. At naptime Mama began this “sleep training.” Instead of letting me snuggle in the swing with my pacies and bunnies at naptime, she put me in my bad crib! Flat on my back!

She gave me pacies and put on some insipid music and then LEFT. I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. But then I kept losing my pacies and woke up crying some more. The only thing that saved me was that it was time to leave for the museum.

After the meanness at naptime, we went to Salt Lake City in the car. I was able to take some nice naps in the car. At the museum I took a nice nap on Mama’s chest in the Baby Bjorn.

Thank goodness I got my rest during the day, because at bedtime Mama did the BAD THING AGAIN. Again with the flat on the back. Again with the crib. Again with the pacies and the stupid music. Again with the LEAVING.

This time I didn’t take it lying down.

OK, I guess I did. But I put up a fight! I cried. Mama always comes to help me when I cry. This time Mama came in and patted me, but left again.

So then I cried and I pulled my feet as high as I could in the air and then WHAM—dropped them down onto the mattress. I did this lots of times.

Mama came in and patted me but left again!

So then I cried a new high-pitched cry.

Daddy came in and patted me but left again.

Then I screamed. I cried and I screamed and let the tears roll down my face.

Do you know what happened? Mama came in and patted me but left again!

Then the pièce de résistance. I screamed and started coughing and gagging like I was going to throw up.

Mama came in, and THAT got her attention. She picked me up, but I was so wound up that I just kept screaming. She tried to give me the same horrible pacies that she put in my crib. I pushed those away. I wasn’t about to fall for that one.

Mama took me downstairs, but I kept screaming. She gave me to Daddy and I screamed but started breathing a little bit. I was so upset that I needed a bottle and an hour in Daddy’s lap watching basketball before I could finally calm down and fall asleep. Sports always make me fall asleep.

Daddy—God Bless Daddy—said, “Why are we doing this again?” Mama said, “Because Dr. Anderson wants us to.” What? What? WHAT? I thought these people were supposed to be my Mama and Daddy. They are supposed to use their noggins and know best. If Dr. Anderson wanted them to jump off a bridge with me in their arms, would they do that too?

Turns out that rotten Dr. Anderson says I can’t sleep in my car seat anymore and I have to sleep in my own room and learn to fall asleep by myself. Mama did some research, and some other babies have let their heads slump in their car seats and the slumping made them not breath so well. I promised that I would breath, but they didn’t listen.

Mama said when big sister Sabrina was my age she had to be rocked to sleep, and all that rocking took hours. Then Sabrina woke up again right away. So that’s why they did this bad bad “sleep training” with big sisser (poor big sisser!).

But I DON’T DO THAT. I fall asleep right away when they give me a bottle, and I stay asleep. I’ve slept through the night since I was SIX WEEKS OLD. This is the thanks I get?

Mama and Daddy decided to COMPROMISE with Dr. Anderson. I’ve heard Mama use this word with big sisser, and it never comes out well for big sisser.

They decided that they would keep helping me fall asleep, and would leave the crib in their room. But (here comes the COMPROMISE) I would have to sleep flat on my back in the crib—no car seat. We did that last night, and I made it a few hours before I had to snuggle with Mama in the big bed. After some snuggle and sleep, she put me back in my crib and I made it a while longer before I got up with Daddy for a bottle.

The next time I go to the doctor I’m going to eat some raspberries first and then throw up on Dr. Anderson. I might get a little bit on Mama too. Thhhhepppttthhh.

Love and Tears,
Tired Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

Voilà!

Dear Oma and Tante,

Je Suis Prêt!

Just like Jamie Fraser, Je Suis Prêt is big sister Sabrina’s motto. It is French, and it means “I Am Ready.” This is what Sabrina says to Mama all the time, except Sabrina uses the contraction: “I’m Ready!”

I don’t know how to do the contraction in French. Mama says she doesn’t think the French have contractions, and would be irritated if we tried. She says the French have made a cottage industry out of being irritated.

When Sabrina asks for something and Mama says yes, yes, in a minute, in two minutes, in thirty minutes, after I do this big sister always answers, “I’m Ready!” Mama says, “I know you are ready, but I am not ready.” Then Sabrina says, “but I’m READY!”

Then Sabrina asks for the same thing again and Mama says, “big sister Sabrina, what did I just say?” And Sabrina says, “what?”

My favorite word is voilà! Voilà is a French word too. It means “Mama Will Take Care of It.”

When I cry, voilà! I am snuggled. When I am hungry, voilà! Lunch is served. When big sister says I HAVE A POOP-A-LOOP or I make my grunty face, voilà! We have sparkling clean bottoms. Pee in the potty to be flushed? Voilà! Dogs need to be fed? Voilà! Boo got sick? Voilà! Dinner to cook? Voilà! Dirty floor? Stained carpet? Holes in your socks? Voilà! Voilà! Voilà!

Do you have a voilà!? If not, I think you should get one. They are very nice to have.

My favorite voilà! is a little one. Sometimes when I have trouble going to sleep, Mama tucks me into her arms. She puts one hand on the side of my face. I put my hand on her hand. She kisses my forehead, and tells me a story about some little fellows named Wynken, Blynken, and Nod. Then voilà! I am asleep!

Mama was sad yesterday because she was sick. She had a headache all day that got more and more headachy. Then she started to get a mad tummy. Her tummy got madder and madder and she was afraid she would have some sick come out.

Daddy came home so that Mama could go to bed. Mama made the room very dark and very quiet and Daddy said No Girls Allowed upstairs. When the room was dark and quiet then Mama let the black come. She let the black come for two hours. Then she woke up and told Daddy how to make dinner, but she stayed in bed. Daddy brought her plain dinner things in bed and Sabrina and I even got to be in bed with her for a while!

Mama was sad that she was sick again and said she felt like she was being a burden. But I just say, she ain’t heavy, she’s my Mama!

Love,
Little Linnie Lou-Hoo

P.S. Today Mama feels better.